What Your Massage Therapist is Really Thinking

Ever wonder what your massage therapist is thinking about you? Is she cringing at the sight of your feet? Is he appalled that you forgot to shave your legs? Do you smell? Is your hair in the way? Do you flip over now? Are you breathing right? Is it awkward if you don't make small talk the whole time? Does she think your acne is so gross she doesn't even want to touch you?

No. Relax. We aren't judging you. My general rule of thumb is, if you're worried about it, it's probably not a big deal and I didn't even notice. It's the people that don't care what their therapist thinks of them that tend to be stars in our horror stories. The following is a list of things that you might worry about, and what we actually think about them. Then I've included a list of massage therapist pet peeves that you may have no idea you've been doing.


Feet - They aren't that bad, trust me. Your feet can't be any worse than the ballet dancers that I work on and even their feet don't freak me out. In nine years I've come across one lady with horrendous feet and she was blissfully unaware. I still worked on her feet with only a second glance. Really not an issue. Besides, I usually have hot towels on hand to wipe off any flip flop funk you've picked up throughout the day anyway. I only get slightly irritated when someone tells me last minute that they don't want a foot massage and I have to figure out what to do with the extra 5 minutes when the massage is nearly over.

Shaved Legs - Non-issue. Women get embarrassed and apologize about this to me every day and I give the same response, "Oh, I don't mind at all. I work on men, too and they don't shave their legs." Except when I do run across a man that shaves his legs and/or all of his body hair without mentioning that he's a swimmer or cyclist. Awkward.

Body Odor/Perfume - This is one of the most complained about issues amongst massage therapists. When you're stuck in a tiny unventilated room, scents get magnified ten-fold. Your perfume may smell great outside but strikes just the right chord with our allergies when you get in the treatment room. Body odor will actually make me turn green. I will turn clients away for strong odor. I've put in my hours of gag-worthy clients and I won't do it anymore. Not only that, but the smell lingers for another hour or 2 and it ruins the relaxation for the next client. Always shower and wear deodorant, please!

Bathing - Never skimp on showering. You can't be too clean for a massage! There's also this interesting phenomenon that is a well-kept secret in the massage world: Mud rolls. Yeaaaa. It's not sexy. It's what happens when body oils, dirt, and dead skin combines with massage lotion. Remember when you were a kid playing with Play-Doh and you would roll it into a snake? It's like tiny brown "snakes" all over you, your therapist's hands, arms, the sheets, everywhere. It only happens with people that haven't showered in more than 2-3 days. And the longer you go without bathing, the worse the mud rolls will be.

Body Weight - We don't care if you're heavy, skinny, athletic, or out of shape. The muscle groups are the same on everyone and that's all we're concerned about. I've worked on people that society would deem 'overweight' and are really super athletic or flexible. I've had people that look to be skin and bones but are solid knots with no range of motion. We've seen it all and we do not have a preference.

Body Hair, Acne, Dry Skin, Etc. - These things never bothered me because there's nothing that a client can do about them. You are the way you are and I won't judge you for it. Some therapists do get bothered, however, so it might take a little searching to find someone that makes you feel comfortable and seems to feel comfortable with you as well.

Talking - Another topic that depends on the therapist. Some like to talk to everyone, some don't like to talk at all and others don't mind either way. It's important to be clear on what kind of therapist you're looking for before booking. Ask for a therapist that is "friendly and informative" if you like to talk during your massage. If you really don't like talking, please tell your therapist prior. We will not be offended! I use the 'speak when spoken to' rule with my clients, but I tend to be chattier the first time I meet someone so I can remember who they are if they come back.

Massage Therapist Pet Peeves:

-Undressing before your therapist has a chance to leave the room.

-"Helping" lift your limbs or head during the massage. Or holding your arms out stiff while we work on them. Your head doesn't weigh so much that I need help picking it up! And neither do your arms!

-Staring at your therapist while they're massaging you. It's super awkward and it freaks us out.

-Not tipping/crappy tips. I am not usually offended the first time someone doesn't tip because I like to give the client the benefit of the doubt that they didn't intentionally stiff me. But if you don't tip a second time or more, then I will cut your time. Tips make up for 40+% of our income and are an indicator as to how much you enjoyed our massage. We take it personally. We're sensitive people!

-Moaning. Excessive moaning is just flat out creepy. Yes, I know I'm good. No, I don't need the encouragement. 

-Being picky about our massage before we've even touched you. "I don't like fists, elbows, forearms, or palms. And I like long flowing strokes. I don't like to be massaged here, here, here, here, or here. I like my face massaged but with no oil on your hands, and don't touch my hair. Also, I'd like to spend the entire massage face down except for maybe the last 5 minutes. I don't like the face cradle though, so can you take that away?" The sad part is I didn't make any of this up. I've actually had this client before. Surprise, surprise she wasn't a good tipper. 

-Being super picky about towels. Towels are entirely therapist preference. If you've found a therapist that uses hot, dry towels and that's the only way you like them then stick with that therapist. Don't try to conform another therapist to your weird requests. It can be offensive, disrupt our flow and almost guarantee you aren't going to get the best massage that therapist is capable of.

-Telling us how to do our job.

-Asking for extra time.

-Touching yourself. I've adopted the Rule of Three here. Once to adjust yourself and I won't think otherwise. Twice will get a dirty look from me, but maybe you didn't get it right the first time. Three times and you're off my table. 

-Touching me. Some creepers think I don't notice when they casually stretch out their fingers to brush me when I walk by. Many male therapists I've known have been full-on grabbed at.

-Readjusting our draping. I didn't undrape your ass for a reason.

-Being consistently late. This bugs the hell out of some therapists. It makes no difference to me. 

-Taking forever to get out of the room. We're on a tight schedule and one client that lags in the room can make us late for the rest of the day.

-Flirting or sexually explicit conversation. It's beyond inappropriate and uncomfortable.

-Joking about happy endings. You meet someone for the first time or just find out that an acquaintance is a massage therapist and you say, "Har har, like the happy ending kind?" No, you fucking moron. It wasn't funny the first 837 times I heard that "joke" and it still isn't. I'm a PROFESSIONAL, not a hooker. I didn't spend 7 years paying off student loans to do some shit I already knew how to do. Comprende?

-Flat out asking for a happy ending. You'll be lucky if all I do is kick you off of my table, promptly.

*This list will most likely be expanded on as more come to me, and with your comments! A big thank you to my massage therapist fam for contributing. Love you guys!

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