I've been trying to think back if there was something going on that day to annoy me prior to meeting The Most Irritating Client Ever (let's call her 'MICE' for short, which is clever because she did have a weird, mousy quality to her. Better yet, we'll call her Mouse). We massage therapists are sensitive folk and any little blip can throw off our juju. I'm pretty sure I was in a good mood, though. I usually am when I get to work because I genuinely enjoy being there. I know, I'm crazy. Who loves going to work? This chick.
So, Mouse shows up for her appointment 30 minutes early. Cool, nothing wrong with that. I show up to work 45 minutes early on most days so I can prep towels, sheets, cremes, etc. My clients are slightly spoiled in that they know I always have hot towels on-hand and they've come to expect it now. And I love my clients dearly, so an extra 45 minutes of unpaid work is worth it for them. <3 Anywho, I quicken my pace to get my room ready so I can take Mouse back a few minutes early since she's been waiting ever so patiently for me. She's a thin woman with thick-rimmed glasses and frizzy hair that cannot be contained in the large barrette she's used to try and wrangle all that mess in. She looks familiar, but I can't place her. Chart says I've never worked on her before.
I say my cheeriest hello and ask the usual, "Do you need to use the restroom before we get started?" Yes. Yes she does. Of course she does. Since she's only been to this establishment nothing short of 20 times before and should know the drill by now, right? So, I direct her to the restroom and show her where our room is and then inform her that I'll be waiting right here. Generally, people are out of the bathrooms in 2 minutes, especially regulars. They know that bathroom time cuts into their massage and standard courtesy encourages them to not leave me waiting forever. She is in the restroom for six minutes. Seriously? You had thirty minutes to take a shit before your massage, and instead you're going to do it on my time?
So, now I'm irritated. I don't let that get me down though. I've been in customer service for far too long to let a little thing like that ruffle my feathers. Who knows? She might be a really nice person, with interesting conversation, or a generous tipper. I try to make every massage my best one so people will know that I genuinely care. Sometimes when I feel like a session didn't go so well, I get surprised with a $20 tip. I like surprises. I continue on with Mouse in my usual bubbly manner and show her into my room. She looks around a couple times like she's lost. In fact, she's so confused that now I'm getting confused. Lady, you've been here before! What could be so new about this room that you haven't seen before in any other room? There's a massage table in the middle, a chair for clients' clothes in the corner, and a rolling stool for me in my corner. I've even placed my creme on that rolling stool to deter people from placing their belongings on my chair. Because it happens all too often and it drives me nuts. Eventually, this little mouse figures out this incredibly difficult maze that I've set before her and makes her away over to her side of the room. Her intake is standard, "FBM BNS med/light press." (Full Body Massage, Back/Neck/Shoulders, medium-light pressure). Cool. Now I'm slightly rushing because we're about 2 minutes behind schedule and I hate shorting people time even if it is their fault. Anything short of 50 minutes doesn't feel like enough time and working the math out in my head can throw me off, occasionally.
I ask Mouse what she does for a living, like I do all my new clients. She is so flabbergasted by the question that she can't put a sentence together. "Oh! I uh, um, I work, I do...I work at a computer." Ooookay, that wasn't the question, but I guess the answer helps me a little. Now I know that her rhomboids will be a mess, that explains her weird posture, and I'll definitely make some time to do some light stripping on her forearms. Computer people are so focused on how their shoulders hurt that they completely forget those limbs attached to the shoulders that are actually doing all the work at the keyboard.
I'm not even three minutes into the massage when the moaning starts. Oh god. She's one of those people. Yea, you've all seen the Friends episode where Phoebe doesn't want to work on Monica because she moans and it's creepy. Don't get me wrong, the occasional moan is totally acceptable, especially if I've hit a trigger point or I'm doing deeper work on a really tight area. I get it. But some people just moan for the sake of hearing themselves moan. It's fucking creepy. "That feels great." I know it does, thank you, but I really don't need the encouragement. I finish with her back, re-drape her and am about to move on when she asks if I could do a little more on her lower back. Normally, such a request would be met with apologies, an "absolutely!" and a few more minutes in that area. But this chick has got me grating my teeth with all the freaking moaning, now I'm just suspicious that she's going to try and milk me for extra time. She gets one minute more.
The rest of the massage moves on painfully slow until I get to her neck. While I'm trying to work on her neck she's flopping her head from side to side as if she's oh-so-relaxed. I call bullshit. Sleeping people don't flop their heads around and relaxed people shouldn't either. Their heads should tilt with some gentle movement, but I lead the direction. At this point, I'm ready to break her neck. If there were a camera on me, I might look possessed with how hard I was rolling my eyes. I couldn't take it. I had to get out of that tiny cell with this aggravating woman.
I fetched her water, walked her out so she wouldn't get fucking lost again, thanked her and wished her a happy weekend. After I cleaned up my room, I asked the front desk how much she tipped. The girl just frowned and shook her head. Nothing. Thaaaaaat did it. That's how she got bumped from being an honorable mention in my list of crappy clients to #1 Most Irritating Client I've Ever Had. Congratulations, now I hate you.
I'll blog later about my thoughts on tipping, stiffing, shaving your legs and other massage etiquette. (It's not as bad as you'd think, I promise.) But for now, I want to hear about everyone else's terrible clients. Dish! You know you've got one better/worse. :)
<3
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