Waving the White Flag

Sometimes you've just gotta surrender. Not because you were wrong, necessarily, but because the ones you love are more important than your ego. So, you don't agree all the time, or someone's feelings got hurt, or blah blah blah. Whatever it may be. Just surrender for the greater good. It's much easier said than done, that's for sure. But it's definitely one of those things that gets easier with practise.

I had a rough week. Like a drank-two-extra-large-bottles-of-Footie-and-only-ate-Easter-candy kind of week. ('Footie' is the nickname for Barefoot wine that my sister came up with.) I got in a fight with my brother and sister-to-be about wedding stuff and it snowballed like crazy because none of us tards could pick up a freaking telephone. Damn technology. I was all like, "Wtf, Monster of the Bride!" and they were all like, "Wtf, Diva of Honor!" and we clashed. Much texting and facebook messaging was had. To the point where I'm sure both sides of the family were ready to take us out back and put the hose on us.

I'm ridiculously headstrong and just as stubborn. I'm not one for holding my tongue and I'm not an easy opponent in a battle of wits. And I'm flat-out lethal with a keyboard. Knowing this about myself I should never strike first blood in text with people I love. (Enemies deserve every large word I batter them with.) We waged war all week until we'd reached a stalemate. Family, friendships, nuptials be damned! My mom couldn't talk me down, even after she'd unleashed her strongest weapon on me (my aunt). No one else dared broach the subject with a 10 foot pole, much less disagree with me.

I woke up this morning after 3 days of no communication and read an article about what to do if someone is mad at you. It didn't help. I was mad first! They should come to me! I remained steadfast in my conviction that I was entitled to my hurt feelings. Then I had a conversation with an old friend of mine. It was brief, but effective. It went a little something like this:


Guy, "How are you?"

Me, "Not awesome. Been fighting with my brother, his fiance and her mother. So much so that I'm not going to the wedding." 

After minimal details of the argument my super intelligent guy friend does what he can to make me smile and says, 

"Some advice: Take the high road. Tell them you wish them well and you were just really hurt that you've put in so much work and had it snatched away."

Me, "Uggghhhh, I hate the high road!"

Gotta love dude logic, though. So simple, yet oddly effective.

So I chewed on it for a little bit. I was still super pissed, I read through all the messages again and didn't think I'd said anything out of spite, but it still gnawed at me. Hmmm... Well, if it bothered me enough to bitch about it to whoever would listen, then there must be something amiss. So, I got off my high horse and I took the high road instead. I thought long and hard about what I was really upset about and whom I was upset with. Then I sat down at my keyboard and thought, Well, I couldn't possibly cause anymore damage. So I wrote my last facebook message (with a personal promise to leave any serious conversations to be done via phone or in person) and it went a little something like this (I've renamed her 'Seester' for the sake of my blog. It's a baby-talk pet name that I've called her since finding out she'll actually be my sister one day):

Seester, everything I've told you over the last 2 years (2 years? Longer? I can't remember. It feels like forever) I meant, wholeheartedly. I love the person you are and I am thrilled that you're marrying my awkward, dorky, little brother. I don't hate you, and I doubt I ever could. My being upset was not some form of sabotage. I've always wanted what's best for you guys. I was just hurt because I was really invested in making this wedding super special and I felt that it got snatched away from me at the last minute after all this time. I was really angry with [Lil' Brunner] and [your Mom] and you got dragged in as collateral damage.

I really wish [Lil' Brunner] had been the one to call me. And blah blah, details.

Anyway, that's not the point. What I SHOULD have messaged you was how I was feeling, and that's all. Instead I listed examples to try and explain WHY I was upset and we got lost in the details. And with every message (especially [Lil' Brunner's]) I felt like I wasn't being heard and it just made me want to say it louder and more angry. I wish you would have answered my phone calls so you could hear that I was more hurt than angry and that it was never with YOU.

I still love you, even if we don't agree. We wouldn't be sisters if we didn't disagree sometimes and we'd also be the most boring friends ever. It was only a matter of time before we learned our limitations and it was not a very opportune moment, unfortunately. I hate that you got punished for something that wasn't your fault and I hate that I put you in the middle.

In hindsight, I don't see any way around what happened, only different ways it would have been prolonged. It could have been worse, though. It might have all come to a head the week of the wedding, or even the DAY of, which would have really ruined things. What's done is done. I'm still upset about all the same things, but I'm not with you. I understand if you aren't willing to forgive me, don't want to talk to me or see me ever again. But one day, my mother is going to make you crazy (she'll be your mother-in-law soon, it's inevitable) and I'll be there to back you, just like I said I would.

I love you Seester. I'm sorry I made you cry.

And then I sat and waited all day without a response. Torture. Then 6 hours later she responded saying she'd call me this evening. And we talked and cried and talked some more. Then my brother called me and he got the worst of it 'cuz he's a boy and it just takes him longer to understand girl-feelings. They'd said they'd planned on calling me anyway, even if I hadn't written Seester that message, but she was glad I did. I was glad I did. Even if we were all feeling really hurt, we knew that the love we have is more important than the wrongs that were had. In a year or 10 years from now it won't matter who waved the white flag first, just that it was and it wasn't our undoing.

See? I told y'all I hate grudges!


<3