It's Called Co-Parenting, Not a "Broken Home"

I recently announced that I am moving back to Georgia to be closer to my kid's dad. She's starting school this year and I didn't want her going all year hardly seeing her dad. He can't afford to live in California solo, so the only other option was for us to move to him. I've been getting a lot of astonished looks and comments. People automatically assume it's because we're getting back together. No, my boyfriend is coming with me! Then I explain the dynamics between myself, baby daddy and my boyfriend. "I don't know how you could do that! I can't even be in the same room as my child's father," or "Wow, you're so lucky that you guys all get along." Not really. It wasn't something that just happened. We didn't just break up from a two and a half year long relationship with an infant, an engagement, a dog, and lives on opposite coasts and remain best friends. It took a lot of work. Even now it's a process and we're still figuring it all out. It's been trial and error to get the hang of custody, support, boundaries, relationships, and parenting.

Four years ago Baby Daddy and I split up. We had previously gone to couple's therapy for a year but it just wasn't working. I made the decision to get out of the relationship before I completely hated him and couldn't salvage a friendship. In hindsight, that was probably the wisest decision I made. Consequently, the way we co-parent now is nearly the exact opposite of what is considered (sadly) the "norm" amongst separated couples.

Custody

The first thing we did was figure out custody. I would be moving back to California, but that was no reason to delete him from our daughter's life permanently. Neither of us had amazing jobs so the airfare was going to be a huge investment. We decided that I would have Baby Girl for 2 months and then he would get her for a month because we wouldn't be able to afford every other month. He requested to always have her for the month of February (his birthday month) and I wanted her for Easter month. We would alternate her birthday and Christmas. We drew up a rough outline for custody so that he would never go more than 3 months without seeing her. He wanted to get it set in stone through the courts, but I was adamant about keeping the courts out of our agreements. This made him nervous because I could run off to California and he might never see his daughter again. It was a test of trust, for sure. But now we're both really happy with the flexibility of our custody agreement. There's been times when neither of us could afford to fly her out within the original parameters, he didn't have established babysitting for his proposed month with her, or something special came up that we really wanted her to attend. There's been times when he's had to go 4-6 months without having her in Georgia, but he's always come in for a visit for a few days to break it up. And when he finally did have the funds, babysitting, etc to have her out in Georgia, I let him have her for a couple months instead of the original "one month" agreement. I've always looked at it as how I would feel to have to go that long without her. And to his credit, he's never missed her birthday, which isn't an easy feat. Her birthday lands either on or very close to Thanksgiving and he works retail with black out dates.

Child Support

I also chose to forgo child support. *gasp!* Crazy baby mamas every where just can't wrap their heads around this one. Most people have no idea that you even have the option to decline support. Fathers get the shaft when it comes to child support and I just don't think it's fair. I wouldn't wish all the drama of child support payments, interest, garnishments, and possible jail time if he lost his job for a couple months or some other life crisis befell him. I told him as long as he was an active part in his daughter's life then I would never ask for child support. I asked that anything that would otherwise be contributed to child support be used to purchase plane tickets. He and I also split the airfare for her which usually runs us about $950-1200 per visit. (If there were a cheaper way to do this, we would have found it. Trust me.) There were a couple times when I was in between jobs and I couldn't afford diapers that he would send me $50-100 with no questions asked. However, asking him for money has always been a last resort for me. I know that he would go without eating for a week if it meant feeding Baby Girl and I'd rather he didn't. We also switch off who claims her on their tax return each year, or whoever would end up getting more money back. We know that whomever receives more money directly benefits Baby Girl. The goal is to be as fair as possible and treat the other like we would like to be treated.

Relationships & Boundaries

This is where things get a little tricky. Bringing a third or fourth person into the dynamic is not always a smooth process. Not everyone understands the relationship and can be easily threatened by exes remaining close after a breakup and even more so when there's children involved. I'm understanding, but I'm strict on boundaries. I'm upfront with any potential boyfriends about my relationship with Baby Daddy and explain that he's still very much a part of our lives. There isn't much wiggle room on the rules. They can either accept it and date me or move on. There's no third option. I've had to break up with a boyfriend because he got spontaneously jealous of Baby Daddy. It's just not worth it for Baby Girl to lose her dad over some dude that isn't secure enough in the relationship. Baby Daddy is going to be in my life forever whether some dumb boy likes it or not. Baby Daddy and I don't use her as a pawn in the Jealous Dating Game. He trusts that I won't put Baby Girl in any harm by dating a bad dude. I ask that we are honest with each other about who we're dating and what kind of person they are. There's been a few times that he's raised an eyebrow at my decisions, but he's never stepped in and made a fuss about it. I, on the other hand, have stepped in about a girl that was trying to date him but I'm glad I did. That girl was fucking batty. So far, Baby Daddy has gotten along with my boyfriends. He's really easy-going and witty so it's hard not to like him. With my boyfriend moving to Georgia with us, we're about to test all of these boundaries even further! I think the boys can be friends after the awkwardness factor has subsided. My boyfriend is still a little leery of how it's all going to work out with us being in the same area code, but that's because he's been victim to poor co-parenting. He admires our resolve to keep Dad in the picture, and he loves Baby Girl and I very much, so he is willing to be a part of our big, weird family.

Parenting

Probably the toughest part of our arrangement is maintaining a similar parenting model. We stay in regular contact via texts, phone calls, facebook and Skype. I do my best to make sure he doesn't miss a moment with her and he does the same when he has her. House rules, behavior, discipline, meals and bedtimes are discussed before she's sent off to the other. Surprisingly, Baby Daddy is the strictest with her. He's all about manners and good behavior. My boyfriend is most disciplined about her diet and hygiene. I'm the one that baby's the crap out of her even though I talk a big talk. That's why I'm glad she has many parents that stay in sync so she's more well-rounded. Baby Daddy and I come from divorced homes so in addition to three parents, she has 4 sets of grandparents to spoil and guide her. Our families are in contact with each other as well, cross-country, so we're all just a big blended family centered around love for one little girl.  It takes a village, people!

At the heart of every decision, we consider our daughter first. What will be in her best interest, and what will keep her happy and healthy. We also consider each other. If one parent is miserable, she's going to be affected by that so we do whatever we can for each other. A child needs her dad just as much as she needs her mom. What she doesn't need is parents at war with each other and using her as a chess piece. Our goal was to raise our daughter knowing only love, without animosity. Being children of divorced parents ourselves, we knew the damage that comes with it and pledged not to do it to our own. It hasn't been easy, we haven't been perfect at it, and we've still got a long way to go. But our daughter is amazing and she's worth every sacrifice.



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