Raising a Canine Teenager

***Disclaimer: Anyone with any fucked up media-induced backward ass stigma against pit bulls can check out right now. This post is about pit bulls, the people that love them, the people that know them, and written by a proponent for all bully breeds.***

With an almost 5 year old daughter I thought I was in the clear for a few more years before I had to deal with the craziness of having a teenager in the house. The Universe snickered at me when I went surfing the internet and saw a picture of the most handsome boy I've ever seen. It was love at first sight, I can't lie. His name is Bruno. He wasn't even up for adoption but I HAD to have him. We looked around at various rescue sites in numerous states and were even introduced to other dogs, but it didn't matter. The position was already taken in my heart. I was patient and love prevailed! Bruno's previous owner decided he couldn't care for him and opted to give him up.

Bruno is an 18 month old blue-nose pit bull. He is a full-on teenager dog and he is a handful! Aside from being a bull-headed teenager (har har, puns), Bruno didn't exactly have the upbringing ideal for a pit bull. The guy that owned him had him chained up to a tire in the backyard for most of his short life. Bruno arrived to his foster parents' house not even knowing his basic commands. (His foster parents are amazing people and former clients of mine. Like them on Facebook and watch their mange rescue puppy Peanut grow!)  There are many things that Bruno has never encountered or experienced. He looks like an adult but he still sees the world like it's brand new. He'd never walked up a flight of stairs before and our older dog Morgan had to show him the ropes. He'd never been swimming or even played in a pool. He still has so much to see and learn.

Bruno is almost completely unsocialized. He will get along with dogs his size, but is food aggressive. Any animal smaller than him (including bugs, birds and the stuffed variety) send him into predator-mode. I'm thinking this is a result of him being a backyard dog during a critical time in his development stage. He probably got ahold of a squirrel or cat and now thinks that is the most fun he'll ever have in his life. It's going to be a long, hard road trying to break him of this but I can't really blame him either. Bruno was practically feral up until a few months ago. But he is not a lost cause. He is very  intelligent, eager to please, affectionate, submissive, goofy and will do every trick he knows for a piece of ice.

And let's just get this out of the way: No, he is not aggressive because he is a pit bull. He was made this way, not bred this way. Stereotyping any particular breed of dog is just as moronic as stereotyping a particular race of people. Not all white people are serial killers, not all black people are gangbangers, not all Muslims are terrorists and not all Jewish people are accountants. Yes, there will always be some that perpetuate the stereotype but those are usually a very small percentage. Yes, there will always be reports of a pit bull biting someone. But guess what? Dogs bite. There isn't a single breed of dog with a perfect record. Sorry!

When we got him, Bruno would only sit on command about half the time. (Whenever he felt it convenient, really. He's a brat.) Now, Bruno is consistent with Sit, Down, Shake, Rollover, Come (when in the fenced backyard off-leash. There's no stopping him if he gets out into the front yard. Way too much trouble and cool stuff out there for him to listen to anyone), Kennel, Drop It, Stay, Wait, and Out! (we set up boundaries in the house. He is not allowed in the kitchen unless passing through to the backyard and he is not allowed upstairs. We didn't bother with baby gates.) Accidents in the house have been almost non-existent in the past few weeks. Pulling on the leash is still an issue, but either he's not pulling as hard or my traps have just gotten used to the exercise. My arms and back were sore those first few weeks with him! I've found that he makes an excellent jogging partner, however. If I pick up the pace, he'll trot right beside me without pulling. I just have to get my ass in shape to keep up with him! He is also very responsive to my 'no' noise. Ahhhht! I figured it was pointless to tell a dog "No" all the time when his name is Bru-no. He will immediately stop what he was doing anytime he hears the sound. The munchkin can imitate the noise perfectly. It's adorable to watch her discipline him and give him commands. She's quite the little Dog Whisperer. 

Raising a teenaged pitty has definitely proved challenging. There have been a few days that he has tested me past my limits and would be kenneled for the remainder of the night. We'd reached our training limits for the day and needed a break before starting over fresh the next morning. His time outs have gotten less frequent now that he's settling in and learning the ropes. He still gets grounded for his run away attempts. But we've gotten better at avoiding them!

I'll try to update regularly with Bruno's progress, pictures, and adventures. He really is a big goof and he keeps us laughing as often as he drives us crazy!

Public Facebooking

Nothing irks me more than when I see a hardcore rant status on facebook.

"Wtf, my boyfriend's mom is such a bitch. I can't believe she just asked me to, like, do her a favor or some shit. I'm not your kid, bitch! Who do you think you are??"  Like - Comment - Share - 11 minutes ago via mobile (and a cute little globe next to it.) 

Yea, I'd Like to shake you. Or perhaps Comment on your lack of tact. But maybe I'll just Share a little common sense in your honor, instead. Chances are your boyfriend's mom has a facebook and she's going to see that eventually. Or your boyfriend's friend's sister's next door neighbor's dog walker. Somehow, someway, your juvenile rant is going to make it back to the object of your acrimony. Keep your skeletons where they belong, woman!

You know who else will see these detestable posts? Your future employer. If you think all they're running is your background check, think again. Many employers are going to search for your facebook profile first to get an idea of your personality and lifestyle. Everyone is all sugar and smiles during an interview, but show their true colors when they think they're "safe" amongst friends. If I were an employer I certainly wouldn't hire the girl that publicly bashes people on facebook or posts every nightclub picture with a drink in her hand. You know what that tells me? DRAMA. And a lot of "sick" days.

Also, if you post public pictures, make sure you're the only ones in them. Your friends might not appreciate you handing over their face to Google Image Search.

Another no-no is publicly posting your check-ins. While you're making wonderful memories road tripping four states away, your ex is having a grand ol' time ransacking your apartment. P.S. he left the window open. Also, your cat ran away.

Occasionally, it is acceptable or understandable to broaden your viewership beyond your circle of compadres. Do so sparingly! Remember we're trying to retain some poise here. Cases in which it is admissible to post publicly:

• Pictures where you look pretty damn good, and happy. No, not duckface. 
• You are sharing something informative.
• You want to announce something amazing that you are thrilled about. ("We're finally PREGNANT!")
• You are singing someone else's praises.
• You are reviewing a business you recommend.
• You're posting pictures and jubilee comments because you know your man's psycho ex-girlfriend stalks you from a fake profile and you want to piss her off. (This one falls under the "understandable" category. Not saying it's right, but it is pretty funny when done tastefully.)

Don't be an arrogant tool that doesn't care what others might think. If you really feel the need to vent to the internet then create a blog with a questionable name, under an alias and share the posts to a restricted audience. ;)  Notice the little wagon wheel under the post that more than likely brought you here? It means I think you're awesome.

<3

Long Distance Relationships

In the last eight years or so I've become quite accustomed to long distance relationships (LDRs). Thank you internet! It's impressive that I ever managed successful relationships that started on opposite coasts especially when the fundamentals are strongly based on trust and patience. Two things that I lack. However, I had a pretty good grip on communication, quality time and creativity. Granted these things are essential to any relationship, but LDRs use them differently and in different proportions. I've also learned the hard way that LDRs are not a sustainable dynamic. My longest ones were just a year. I can't imagine how anyone can keep a relationship going any longer than that without a miracle. Oh, I know there's people out there that have done it and still managed to be in love and I give those remarkable couples a round of applause and a standing ovation. Myself personally, there's an expiration date on my LDRs and it's one year. Not 13 months. Not even 12 months and 2 weeks. It's one year. If someone keeps me waiting longer than that it's probably because they never intended on taking the relationship further, or they fucked up and went to jail for longer than anticipated. *cough* Many people who've never been in an LDR wouldn't see any benefit in it and bail on an otherwise fulfilling relationship. Sucks for you guys! I'd have to say that my LDRs were probably my favorite.  The following is a list of the pros and cons. Because, yea, you guessed it. I fucking love lists. We'll get the cons out of the way first, because I like ending on a good note. :) 

CONS:

• No Physical Contact - Nothing is more frustrating as not getting laid as often as you'd like. Especially when you're both whining about it. Or kissing, cuddling, and a hug when you've had a rough day.
• Crushing Loneliness - Sure, you're in love but there isn't someone to be there and sit on the couch with you to laugh at stupid shows. Or give you the heimlich when you choke on a pretzel.
• Miscommunication - It's ridiculously easy to misinterpret a text message and LDR fights blow up about seemingly nothing because you can't hear intent or inflection. And the crappy thing about LDR fights is how long they last, especially when someone turns their phone off or ignores your texts for days. I can't count the number of times I heard, "If only you were here, and a kiss would have shut you up hours ago." Time differences suck, too.
• Expensive - Plane tickets, postage, elaborate dates when you do get to see each other, and a higher cell phone rate plan. Overages suck! The first month of my first LDR cost me a $300 phone bill. 
• Tragedies - Unexpected deaths, illnesses, or events and you can do absolutely nothing to comfort your loved one. Hearing him cry over his dog he just had to put down alone and you can't be a shoulder to cry on, or the paralyzing "I just totaled my car" text, followed by the HOURS of unanswered phone calls is the worst.
• Cheating - You just never know. It sucks finding out you were just his fluffer. While you were sending him sexy pics and dirty texts all day, he's banging his ugly coworker on the side. But it doesn't mean anything! He doesn't love her like he loves you! Get the fuck outta here.

PROS:

• Communication - It's all you'll really have to keep the relationship alive. Constant texts, daily phone calls and skype sessions, long love letters, emails, etc. My suggestion is to change your ringtone for just him/her because it will make you smile every time you hear it (and make you turn the station ASAP in frantic desperation so you aren't the weird girl crying in your car in traffic after you guys break up). It's the best way to wake up when you hear their ringtone first thing in the morning. The conversations are deeper and you'll know each other better than anyone else because when you run out of things to talk about, you start asking the harder questions and end up learning a lot about yourself. Very fulfilling. 
• Better Dates - When you finally get to see each other, you're so excited and have been waiting so long that every visit is cause for celebration. You go to all the best restaurants (with reservations made WEEKS in advance, so you get killer tables, too), have time to think up and plan the most romantic nights in minute detail, concerts, shopping, sight-seeing, all the stuff you wish you were doing in your "regular" relationships but never get around to. I had a guy take me horseback riding in the Hollywood Hills, we tied up our horses at a restaurant, ate dinner, and then rode back under the stars. Best date EVER. 
• Better Sex - When the anticipation has been unbearable for months, all you have to do is be in the same room and you're breaking a sweat. And there's foreplay! Yay! Foreplay in the car, in the elevator, under tables, all the way down the hall in that weird kissing and walking backward fumbling for your keys and forgetting where you live kind of way. Then there's those days where you planned on meeting up with friends and seeing the city but you turned off your phones and stayed in bed all day to have sex. Seven times.
• Creativity - You're forced to think a little outside the box when there's distance between you. How are you going to do nice things for them, surprise them or "be there" for them without really being there? Sure, you'll probably get flowers delivered to work on your birthday or Valentine's day in a run-of-the-mill relationship, but have you ever had dinner paid for and delivered to your house when you got home from work because your lover felt bad that they couldn't make it for you themselves? Or started your Hulu at the exact moment over the phone in an attempt to watch your favorite shows together? (It doesn't work because the commercials are different lengths for each person. But it's fun trying.) Or overnighted a badass new headset when your girlfriend stepped on hers and couldn't talk in Ventrilo anymore? Haha. 
• Quality Time - This one gets tricky. I mentioned the Hulu thing. There's also the 8 hour long phone calls that end in both of you falling asleep on the phone. Online gaming was always a go-to. Time spent together in person is more enriching because you're on the clock and it doesn't get bogged down with the mundane tasks of daily life. 
• Independence - You don't have to shop for someone else at the grocery store and run the risk of buying the wrong ice cream. Or ask permission to go out with the girls. Or negotiate your guy into going with you to brunch with your family. And you can take a shit uninterrupted. You get to make your own decisions like you're single, but get all the warm fuzzies of being in love. 
• Big Dreams - I'm a big dreamer, so one of my favorite parts was all the fantasizing about what our life will be like in the future. Even better is making those dreams come true!

Long distance relationships are definitely worth the time, investment, and heartache in the long run. Not going to lie though, they're hard work. The best things are worth waiting for, and if they were easy, they wouldn't be worth it. 

"Because love don't know what distance is."

<3

There's No Such Thing As Gurls On The Interweb!

One of my worst kept secrets is that I was a gamer. I say 'was' because I haven't played in 18 months. In the virtual world, that is the equivalent of being dead for 18 years. Like many others, I found online gaming to be incredibly addictive and it was a struggle to quit. Even now, I can still feel the pull to reactivate my accounts just as strong as when I first canceled them. It's made worse by all the friends, family and clients I have that play and want to talk about it. I have many fond memories in-game and I wouldn't be the person I am or have the life that I do if it weren't for online gaming. 

Nine years ago my brother got me into this little game called World of Warcraft. And I didn't stop for another seven and a half years. I would play for an average of 8 hours a day. No, seriously. On average. And if I missed even so much as a day, my virtual friends would call me and worry that something happened to me. I also had a lot of friends. Flocks of them. I had to delete people off of my friends list because I'd hit the max. Not many people that play WoW even know there's a cap on the friends list, but I found out about it in the first 3 months of playing. It wasn't because I was a natural with mad skillz, or a strong leader, or a great PvPer. It's because I was a "real life gurl" in a sea of nerdy virgins. Nine years ago, a girl playing an MMORPG was nearly unheard of. I quickly found out that being a woman in a nerd world came with great power...and great hazard. For every guy that wanted to be in my good graces, there was another that wanted to take me down. 

I started out playing a character named Kikiyochan. Derived from a character from the anime Inuyasha, then I threw on the 'chan' to indicate that I was female. It didn't take long before I was nicknamed Kiki (gamers abbreviate everything). I couldn't join a group without someone eventually asking if I'm a girl and then voila! I had 4 new best friends willing to give me items, upgrades, services, and in-game currency. Then I was asked to join Ventrilo (voice chat) servers . I was apprehensive at first, with good reason. I would stay quiet listening to the boys' banter and as soon as I would comment the channel would go dead silent until the first brave soul to say, "Was that a 12 year old boy? Or is there a GIRL in here?!?" and then they would all freak out and no one acted the same. This was the norm until I started getting better at playing, which didn't take long with so many willing mentors. 

Then I discovered the forums. With quick wit and a propensity for correcting grammar, my notoriety took off by leaps and bounds. That's also when I gained a group of haters. These insecure little chauvinists were nothing short of vicious with the anonymity of the internet on their side, let me tell ya! It was then that I decided on the One Rule to survive online gaming as a female:

NEVER GIVE OUT NUDE PICS.

There was only a handful of females with me on the forums and we either banded together or were sworn enemies. Typical girls. But it never failed, as soon as one of those girls broke the cardinal rule, someone would blast pictures of their tits all over the forums and those girls weren't seen from again. It is a career ender for female gamers. It's hard enough to earn respect from the guys, but there's no getting it back once you're deemed a slut. There's some that will call a girl a whore just because she had the misfortune of wandering into their little corner of the internet, but pictures were PROOF of that and there is no recovery.

I loved meeting in-game friends in person. After spending countless hours with a friend of mine (grinding rep, for 36 hours straight I believe was the count, Samishie? Haha) I got invited to join him at Blizzcon. HUGE DEAL, people. You have no idea. It was the place to be if you're a Blizzard fan (the company that created Strarcraft, Diablo, World of Warcraft, etc.) and the tickets were nearly impossible to get. I didn't have a car, so he drove up from southern California to pick me up and then drove us back down to southern California for the weekend. Up until this point, I had kept any pictures of myself closely guarded so I was really nervous about meeting him. When I answered the door he looked at me, sort of shocked. "Wow. You don't look like what I thought you'd look like at all." Uhhh....good thing? He was quite the gentleman in person! Nothing at all like the asshole badass he portrayed in-game. ;) At Blizzcon we met up with a large group of people from our server, many names that I recognized from the forums. I got the same reaction from everyone I met. "You're Kiki??" Then pictures of the group meeting hit the forums and there it was again. "That's Kiki?? Dude...you're white?" Hahahaha. Apparently everyone I met in game pictured me as a nerdy asian girl and I am quite the opposite in real life. 

Once my "real life" picture was out (thanks Dragonmaw Real Life Picture Thread!) the requests for nude pics increased exponentially. But I remained steadfast. No nude pix.

I did not have any specific rules about dating, however. I was never short a boyfriend thanks to WoW. People would track my relationship status like paparazzi following celebrity couples. The forums read like tabloids. I long-distance dated the reigning King of the Forums, the top PvPer, officers of popular guilds, and eventually a guild leader. (Long-distance dating is a blog post unto itself.) I was refused acceptance to guilds based on my forum activity and invited to others because of it. I built up guilds myself, and tore some down (not intentionally). Females are more territorial than men might think and often there's only room enough for one Alpha Bitch. If there was already a female officer, she didn't look too kindly on the idea of the pretty forum troll rising through the ranks, especially after I'd already broke the heart of one of her friends and was now dating the guild leader (future Baby Daddy). Everything worked out for the best and we ended up doing really well. Having a nemesis and a rival guild ultimately made the game more interesting. 

Being a female gamer definitely came with its drawbacks, but the perks far outweighed the challenges. I walked away with some amazing friends that I wouldn't have met otherwise, relationships that will always hold a special place in my heart, and I got to travel all over the country (often for free!). And if it weren't for World of Warcraft I wouldn't have my beautiful daughter, nor would I be moving to Georgia! I wouldn't change a minute of it. Oh, and nearly a decade after my online alter-ego was born the internet still doesn't possess a picture of my "bewbs". Gotta keep it classy, even in pixel form, ladies!

<3

It's Called Co-Parenting, Not a "Broken Home"

I recently announced that I am moving back to Georgia to be closer to my kid's dad. She's starting school this year and I didn't want her going all year hardly seeing her dad. He can't afford to live in California solo, so the only other option was for us to move to him. I've been getting a lot of astonished looks and comments. People automatically assume it's because we're getting back together. No, my boyfriend is coming with me! Then I explain the dynamics between myself, baby daddy and my boyfriend. "I don't know how you could do that! I can't even be in the same room as my child's father," or "Wow, you're so lucky that you guys all get along." Not really. It wasn't something that just happened. We didn't just break up from a two and a half year long relationship with an infant, an engagement, a dog, and lives on opposite coasts and remain best friends. It took a lot of work. Even now it's a process and we're still figuring it all out. It's been trial and error to get the hang of custody, support, boundaries, relationships, and parenting.

Four years ago Baby Daddy and I split up. We had previously gone to couple's therapy for a year but it just wasn't working. I made the decision to get out of the relationship before I completely hated him and couldn't salvage a friendship. In hindsight, that was probably the wisest decision I made. Consequently, the way we co-parent now is nearly the exact opposite of what is considered (sadly) the "norm" amongst separated couples.

Custody

The first thing we did was figure out custody. I would be moving back to California, but that was no reason to delete him from our daughter's life permanently. Neither of us had amazing jobs so the airfare was going to be a huge investment. We decided that I would have Baby Girl for 2 months and then he would get her for a month because we wouldn't be able to afford every other month. He requested to always have her for the month of February (his birthday month) and I wanted her for Easter month. We would alternate her birthday and Christmas. We drew up a rough outline for custody so that he would never go more than 3 months without seeing her. He wanted to get it set in stone through the courts, but I was adamant about keeping the courts out of our agreements. This made him nervous because I could run off to California and he might never see his daughter again. It was a test of trust, for sure. But now we're both really happy with the flexibility of our custody agreement. There's been times when neither of us could afford to fly her out within the original parameters, he didn't have established babysitting for his proposed month with her, or something special came up that we really wanted her to attend. There's been times when he's had to go 4-6 months without having her in Georgia, but he's always come in for a visit for a few days to break it up. And when he finally did have the funds, babysitting, etc to have her out in Georgia, I let him have her for a couple months instead of the original "one month" agreement. I've always looked at it as how I would feel to have to go that long without her. And to his credit, he's never missed her birthday, which isn't an easy feat. Her birthday lands either on or very close to Thanksgiving and he works retail with black out dates.

Child Support

I also chose to forgo child support. *gasp!* Crazy baby mamas every where just can't wrap their heads around this one. Most people have no idea that you even have the option to decline support. Fathers get the shaft when it comes to child support and I just don't think it's fair. I wouldn't wish all the drama of child support payments, interest, garnishments, and possible jail time if he lost his job for a couple months or some other life crisis befell him. I told him as long as he was an active part in his daughter's life then I would never ask for child support. I asked that anything that would otherwise be contributed to child support be used to purchase plane tickets. He and I also split the airfare for her which usually runs us about $950-1200 per visit. (If there were a cheaper way to do this, we would have found it. Trust me.) There were a couple times when I was in between jobs and I couldn't afford diapers that he would send me $50-100 with no questions asked. However, asking him for money has always been a last resort for me. I know that he would go without eating for a week if it meant feeding Baby Girl and I'd rather he didn't. We also switch off who claims her on their tax return each year, or whoever would end up getting more money back. We know that whomever receives more money directly benefits Baby Girl. The goal is to be as fair as possible and treat the other like we would like to be treated.

Relationships & Boundaries

This is where things get a little tricky. Bringing a third or fourth person into the dynamic is not always a smooth process. Not everyone understands the relationship and can be easily threatened by exes remaining close after a breakup and even more so when there's children involved. I'm understanding, but I'm strict on boundaries. I'm upfront with any potential boyfriends about my relationship with Baby Daddy and explain that he's still very much a part of our lives. There isn't much wiggle room on the rules. They can either accept it and date me or move on. There's no third option. I've had to break up with a boyfriend because he got spontaneously jealous of Baby Daddy. It's just not worth it for Baby Girl to lose her dad over some dude that isn't secure enough in the relationship. Baby Daddy is going to be in my life forever whether some dumb boy likes it or not. Baby Daddy and I don't use her as a pawn in the Jealous Dating Game. He trusts that I won't put Baby Girl in any harm by dating a bad dude. I ask that we are honest with each other about who we're dating and what kind of person they are. There's been a few times that he's raised an eyebrow at my decisions, but he's never stepped in and made a fuss about it. I, on the other hand, have stepped in about a girl that was trying to date him but I'm glad I did. That girl was fucking batty. So far, Baby Daddy has gotten along with my boyfriends. He's really easy-going and witty so it's hard not to like him. With my boyfriend moving to Georgia with us, we're about to test all of these boundaries even further! I think the boys can be friends after the awkwardness factor has subsided. My boyfriend is still a little leery of how it's all going to work out with us being in the same area code, but that's because he's been victim to poor co-parenting. He admires our resolve to keep Dad in the picture, and he loves Baby Girl and I very much, so he is willing to be a part of our big, weird family.

Parenting

Probably the toughest part of our arrangement is maintaining a similar parenting model. We stay in regular contact via texts, phone calls, facebook and Skype. I do my best to make sure he doesn't miss a moment with her and he does the same when he has her. House rules, behavior, discipline, meals and bedtimes are discussed before she's sent off to the other. Surprisingly, Baby Daddy is the strictest with her. He's all about manners and good behavior. My boyfriend is most disciplined about her diet and hygiene. I'm the one that baby's the crap out of her even though I talk a big talk. That's why I'm glad she has many parents that stay in sync so she's more well-rounded. Baby Daddy and I come from divorced homes so in addition to three parents, she has 4 sets of grandparents to spoil and guide her. Our families are in contact with each other as well, cross-country, so we're all just a big blended family centered around love for one little girl.  It takes a village, people!

At the heart of every decision, we consider our daughter first. What will be in her best interest, and what will keep her happy and healthy. We also consider each other. If one parent is miserable, she's going to be affected by that so we do whatever we can for each other. A child needs her dad just as much as she needs her mom. What she doesn't need is parents at war with each other and using her as a chess piece. Our goal was to raise our daughter knowing only love, without animosity. Being children of divorced parents ourselves, we knew the damage that comes with it and pledged not to do it to our own. It hasn't been easy, we haven't been perfect at it, and we've still got a long way to go. But our daughter is amazing and she's worth every sacrifice.



<3

What Your Massage Therapist is Really Thinking

Ever wonder what your massage therapist is thinking about you? Is she cringing at the sight of your feet? Is he appalled that you forgot to shave your legs? Do you smell? Is your hair in the way? Do you flip over now? Are you breathing right? Is it awkward if you don't make small talk the whole time? Does she think your acne is so gross she doesn't even want to touch you?

No. Relax. We aren't judging you. My general rule of thumb is, if you're worried about it, it's probably not a big deal and I didn't even notice. It's the people that don't care what their therapist thinks of them that tend to be stars in our horror stories. The following is a list of things that you might worry about, and what we actually think about them. Then I've included a list of massage therapist pet peeves that you may have no idea you've been doing.


Feet - They aren't that bad, trust me. Your feet can't be any worse than the ballet dancers that I work on and even their feet don't freak me out. In nine years I've come across one lady with horrendous feet and she was blissfully unaware. I still worked on her feet with only a second glance. Really not an issue. Besides, I usually have hot towels on hand to wipe off any flip flop funk you've picked up throughout the day anyway. I only get slightly irritated when someone tells me last minute that they don't want a foot massage and I have to figure out what to do with the extra 5 minutes when the massage is nearly over.

Shaved Legs - Non-issue. Women get embarrassed and apologize about this to me every day and I give the same response, "Oh, I don't mind at all. I work on men, too and they don't shave their legs." Except when I do run across a man that shaves his legs and/or all of his body hair without mentioning that he's a swimmer or cyclist. Awkward.

Body Odor/Perfume - This is one of the most complained about issues amongst massage therapists. When you're stuck in a tiny unventilated room, scents get magnified ten-fold. Your perfume may smell great outside but strikes just the right chord with our allergies when you get in the treatment room. Body odor will actually make me turn green. I will turn clients away for strong odor. I've put in my hours of gag-worthy clients and I won't do it anymore. Not only that, but the smell lingers for another hour or 2 and it ruins the relaxation for the next client. Always shower and wear deodorant, please!

Bathing - Never skimp on showering. You can't be too clean for a massage! There's also this interesting phenomenon that is a well-kept secret in the massage world: Mud rolls. Yeaaaa. It's not sexy. It's what happens when body oils, dirt, and dead skin combines with massage lotion. Remember when you were a kid playing with Play-Doh and you would roll it into a snake? It's like tiny brown "snakes" all over you, your therapist's hands, arms, the sheets, everywhere. It only happens with people that haven't showered in more than 2-3 days. And the longer you go without bathing, the worse the mud rolls will be.

Body Weight - We don't care if you're heavy, skinny, athletic, or out of shape. The muscle groups are the same on everyone and that's all we're concerned about. I've worked on people that society would deem 'overweight' and are really super athletic or flexible. I've had people that look to be skin and bones but are solid knots with no range of motion. We've seen it all and we do not have a preference.

Body Hair, Acne, Dry Skin, Etc. - These things never bothered me because there's nothing that a client can do about them. You are the way you are and I won't judge you for it. Some therapists do get bothered, however, so it might take a little searching to find someone that makes you feel comfortable and seems to feel comfortable with you as well.

Talking - Another topic that depends on the therapist. Some like to talk to everyone, some don't like to talk at all and others don't mind either way. It's important to be clear on what kind of therapist you're looking for before booking. Ask for a therapist that is "friendly and informative" if you like to talk during your massage. If you really don't like talking, please tell your therapist prior. We will not be offended! I use the 'speak when spoken to' rule with my clients, but I tend to be chattier the first time I meet someone so I can remember who they are if they come back.

Massage Therapist Pet Peeves:

-Undressing before your therapist has a chance to leave the room.

-"Helping" lift your limbs or head during the massage. Or holding your arms out stiff while we work on them. Your head doesn't weigh so much that I need help picking it up! And neither do your arms!

-Staring at your therapist while they're massaging you. It's super awkward and it freaks us out.

-Not tipping/crappy tips. I am not usually offended the first time someone doesn't tip because I like to give the client the benefit of the doubt that they didn't intentionally stiff me. But if you don't tip a second time or more, then I will cut your time. Tips make up for 40+% of our income and are an indicator as to how much you enjoyed our massage. We take it personally. We're sensitive people!

-Moaning. Excessive moaning is just flat out creepy. Yes, I know I'm good. No, I don't need the encouragement. 

-Being picky about our massage before we've even touched you. "I don't like fists, elbows, forearms, or palms. And I like long flowing strokes. I don't like to be massaged here, here, here, here, or here. I like my face massaged but with no oil on your hands, and don't touch my hair. Also, I'd like to spend the entire massage face down except for maybe the last 5 minutes. I don't like the face cradle though, so can you take that away?" The sad part is I didn't make any of this up. I've actually had this client before. Surprise, surprise she wasn't a good tipper. 

-Being super picky about towels. Towels are entirely therapist preference. If you've found a therapist that uses hot, dry towels and that's the only way you like them then stick with that therapist. Don't try to conform another therapist to your weird requests. It can be offensive, disrupt our flow and almost guarantee you aren't going to get the best massage that therapist is capable of.

-Telling us how to do our job.

-Asking for extra time.

-Touching yourself. I've adopted the Rule of Three here. Once to adjust yourself and I won't think otherwise. Twice will get a dirty look from me, but maybe you didn't get it right the first time. Three times and you're off my table. 

-Touching me. Some creepers think I don't notice when they casually stretch out their fingers to brush me when I walk by. Many male therapists I've known have been full-on grabbed at.

-Readjusting our draping. I didn't undrape your ass for a reason.

-Being consistently late. This bugs the hell out of some therapists. It makes no difference to me. 

-Taking forever to get out of the room. We're on a tight schedule and one client that lags in the room can make us late for the rest of the day.

-Flirting or sexually explicit conversation. It's beyond inappropriate and uncomfortable.

-Joking about happy endings. You meet someone for the first time or just find out that an acquaintance is a massage therapist and you say, "Har har, like the happy ending kind?" No, you fucking moron. It wasn't funny the first 837 times I heard that "joke" and it still isn't. I'm a PROFESSIONAL, not a hooker. I didn't spend 7 years paying off student loans to do some shit I already knew how to do. Comprende?

-Flat out asking for a happy ending. You'll be lucky if all I do is kick you off of my table, promptly.

*This list will most likely be expanded on as more come to me, and with your comments! A big thank you to my massage therapist fam for contributing. Love you guys!

<3

Waving the White Flag

Sometimes you've just gotta surrender. Not because you were wrong, necessarily, but because the ones you love are more important than your ego. So, you don't agree all the time, or someone's feelings got hurt, or blah blah blah. Whatever it may be. Just surrender for the greater good. It's much easier said than done, that's for sure. But it's definitely one of those things that gets easier with practise.

I had a rough week. Like a drank-two-extra-large-bottles-of-Footie-and-only-ate-Easter-candy kind of week. ('Footie' is the nickname for Barefoot wine that my sister came up with.) I got in a fight with my brother and sister-to-be about wedding stuff and it snowballed like crazy because none of us tards could pick up a freaking telephone. Damn technology. I was all like, "Wtf, Monster of the Bride!" and they were all like, "Wtf, Diva of Honor!" and we clashed. Much texting and facebook messaging was had. To the point where I'm sure both sides of the family were ready to take us out back and put the hose on us.

I'm ridiculously headstrong and just as stubborn. I'm not one for holding my tongue and I'm not an easy opponent in a battle of wits. And I'm flat-out lethal with a keyboard. Knowing this about myself I should never strike first blood in text with people I love. (Enemies deserve every large word I batter them with.) We waged war all week until we'd reached a stalemate. Family, friendships, nuptials be damned! My mom couldn't talk me down, even after she'd unleashed her strongest weapon on me (my aunt). No one else dared broach the subject with a 10 foot pole, much less disagree with me.

I woke up this morning after 3 days of no communication and read an article about what to do if someone is mad at you. It didn't help. I was mad first! They should come to me! I remained steadfast in my conviction that I was entitled to my hurt feelings. Then I had a conversation with an old friend of mine. It was brief, but effective. It went a little something like this:


Guy, "How are you?"

Me, "Not awesome. Been fighting with my brother, his fiance and her mother. So much so that I'm not going to the wedding." 

After minimal details of the argument my super intelligent guy friend does what he can to make me smile and says, 

"Some advice: Take the high road. Tell them you wish them well and you were just really hurt that you've put in so much work and had it snatched away."

Me, "Uggghhhh, I hate the high road!"

Gotta love dude logic, though. So simple, yet oddly effective.

So I chewed on it for a little bit. I was still super pissed, I read through all the messages again and didn't think I'd said anything out of spite, but it still gnawed at me. Hmmm... Well, if it bothered me enough to bitch about it to whoever would listen, then there must be something amiss. So, I got off my high horse and I took the high road instead. I thought long and hard about what I was really upset about and whom I was upset with. Then I sat down at my keyboard and thought, Well, I couldn't possibly cause anymore damage. So I wrote my last facebook message (with a personal promise to leave any serious conversations to be done via phone or in person) and it went a little something like this (I've renamed her 'Seester' for the sake of my blog. It's a baby-talk pet name that I've called her since finding out she'll actually be my sister one day):

Seester, everything I've told you over the last 2 years (2 years? Longer? I can't remember. It feels like forever) I meant, wholeheartedly. I love the person you are and I am thrilled that you're marrying my awkward, dorky, little brother. I don't hate you, and I doubt I ever could. My being upset was not some form of sabotage. I've always wanted what's best for you guys. I was just hurt because I was really invested in making this wedding super special and I felt that it got snatched away from me at the last minute after all this time. I was really angry with [Lil' Brunner] and [your Mom] and you got dragged in as collateral damage.

I really wish [Lil' Brunner] had been the one to call me. And blah blah, details.

Anyway, that's not the point. What I SHOULD have messaged you was how I was feeling, and that's all. Instead I listed examples to try and explain WHY I was upset and we got lost in the details. And with every message (especially [Lil' Brunner's]) I felt like I wasn't being heard and it just made me want to say it louder and more angry. I wish you would have answered my phone calls so you could hear that I was more hurt than angry and that it was never with YOU.

I still love you, even if we don't agree. We wouldn't be sisters if we didn't disagree sometimes and we'd also be the most boring friends ever. It was only a matter of time before we learned our limitations and it was not a very opportune moment, unfortunately. I hate that you got punished for something that wasn't your fault and I hate that I put you in the middle.

In hindsight, I don't see any way around what happened, only different ways it would have been prolonged. It could have been worse, though. It might have all come to a head the week of the wedding, or even the DAY of, which would have really ruined things. What's done is done. I'm still upset about all the same things, but I'm not with you. I understand if you aren't willing to forgive me, don't want to talk to me or see me ever again. But one day, my mother is going to make you crazy (she'll be your mother-in-law soon, it's inevitable) and I'll be there to back you, just like I said I would.

I love you Seester. I'm sorry I made you cry.

And then I sat and waited all day without a response. Torture. Then 6 hours later she responded saying she'd call me this evening. And we talked and cried and talked some more. Then my brother called me and he got the worst of it 'cuz he's a boy and it just takes him longer to understand girl-feelings. They'd said they'd planned on calling me anyway, even if I hadn't written Seester that message, but she was glad I did. I was glad I did. Even if we were all feeling really hurt, we knew that the love we have is more important than the wrongs that were had. In a year or 10 years from now it won't matter who waved the white flag first, just that it was and it wasn't our undoing.

See? I told y'all I hate grudges!


<3

The Habits of Happy People, Part Five.

Alright, here's the last post in my get happy mini-series. I've enjoyed putting my spin on these and getting them out into cyberspace. If you've missed out on the fun you can check out this article to catch up. A few of these points I've come up with on my own in my happy-quest.

Tell the Truth:

Life gets too complicated when you're trying to keep track of a bunch of lies. A few white lies here and there to spare someone's feelings is generally acceptable and doesn't take much memory space. If you're the director of a rumor tornado, that takes a lot of active plotting, tracking and attention. I don't have time for all that bullshit. I say what's on my mind, what needs to be said, honestly, and I don't sugarcoat. I don't have much tolerance for sugarcoaters either. It's like telling the truth wrapped in so much lie that you can't tell where it starts and stops. What's the good in that?

Establish Personal Control:

I've got a decent grip on this one. I've always been an individual and I don't live my life to gain the approval of others. This point is so closely tied in with the others that there's not much new I can say about it. Life's too short to live it someone else's way! Don't buy that car! You can't move across the country and start over there! You and him won't last longer than 3 months! You'll never be successful without a college degree!  Watch me. 

Accept What Cannot Be Changed:

*Shrug* Oh well. It is what it is.

My Own: Kick Addictions:
It's hard to be happy when you're chained to your addictions. Addictions are wrought with anxiety and keep you from focusing on what's important. You are less productive at work when all you're thinking about is your next break. It may be harder to find a partner because things like alcoholism, smoking, drugs, gambling, etc, are often deal-breakers. I've kicked a few things, with smoking being the most recent (11 months!). My boyfriend and I quit together and are so much happier now that we did. We went on an all day adventure to the zoo and on the way out I noticed a sign that said the entire zoo is a smoke-free zone. I pointed it out and said, "Could you imagine how shitty this day would have been if we still smoked?" He agreed wholeheartedly. Now if only I could kick this nasty sugar addiction. Working on it!


My Own: Have A Personal Mantra:
"Sometimes, when I'm feeling down about shit--" "Wait, you feel like that sometimes? I didn't think you had any sort of confidence issues!" "Well, yea. Sometimes, I won't feel as sexy or whatever and then I remember...I'm a bad bitch." I'm a bad bitch. I'm everything any housewife strives to be, AND I bring home the bacon. I may not be as bangin' as I was before childbirth, but I can still turn heads. I'm smart, down to earth, funny, and ambitious. My exes still love me, and refer to me as "the one that got away." My soul is O-; I'm good for everyone. So whenever I'm having a little hiccup in my confidence levels, I remind myself that I'm a bad bitch. It's my personal mantra. Everyone's mantra is different, but should all serve the same purpose. Be confident, be happy, be important to yourself! Everything will fall into place when you're right with yourself.


My total score out of 25 was 19. Maybe 20 if you add up the .5 scores. I'll just grade myself on a curve and give it a B. I'm nice to myself like that. :) What did you get? Is there anything you feel is worth adding to the list?



<3

The Habits of Happy People, Part Four.

Since I've now read this article about 7 times, it's given me a chance to think on other things that I do that make me a happier person and I thought they were worth adding to this list.

Meditate:

I don't do this in the traditional Yoda-use-the-force way. But when I'm giving a massage and there isn't any talking, I close my eyes and do the entire session by muscle memory. It's almost like I'm sleepwalking through the massage, by my energy is focused on the task. It's in this quiet state of mind that my best ideas come to me, so I've always called it my version of meditating. Even though my body is moving the whole time. I don't know if that counts?

Eat Well:
Yea, I'm working on this one. It's an ongoing struggle. (Just like with the next one.) I rarely eat fast food, but that doesn't stop my horrible sugar addiction which is the bane of my existence. Which is exacerbated by all the Easter basket candy we've got overfilling the house right now. Argh!

Exercise:

Another one that I'm working on. My motivation to exercise is a bit sporadic, which I am not happy about. This definitely needs work and time to form a solid habit. I've been good so far this month because I have an exercise plan and a challenge/competition with a friend of mine. I love some friendly competition!

Live Minimally:

Yea, no. I hate this one. Has anyone lived 'minimally' with a baby/toddler around? There's no way. Those little bundles of joy come with so much stuff! It's all I can do just to contain it in her room. As for the rest of my stuff, about 75% of it is passed down from my mom or grandmother and it holds a lot of sentimental value to me. I would never and could never give any of it up. I'm going to chalk this up to a total loss, and I will not "work on it."

My Own- Live Cleanly and Organized:
However, with all my "stuff" in a tiny apartment it's easy to get cluttered or disorganized. I've noticed that there is a direct correlation to the state of disarray of my living space and my stress levels. A clean and organized home calms me down. Much like exercising though, I only get motivated to keep my place in tip-top shape every once in awhile. It's a process. In fact, I think I'll check off a few things on my chore list now that I'm thinking about it. :)



<3

The Habits of Happy People, Part Three.

Here's part three of my happy quest, inspired some other cool person's blog here. These little tidbits are all about the people you surround yourself with and how to share the love. <3

Avoid Social Comparison:

This one is difficult for very insecure people. If you aren't confident in yourself then you'll look to others to see where you fall in. I don't worry about it much. I know that I'm not as good as some, but I'm better than most. That's pretty much where I rank myself when it comes to looks, work, finances, intelligence, everything really. Except relationships. If we're talking about what kind of girlfriend I am, that's a whole different bullet point. I'll get to that when I elaborate on my own addition to the list Personal Mantras.

Choose Friends Wisely:

Incredibly important. This is my second favorite next to Dream Big. Just as misery loves company, happiness is contagious. Surround yourself with happy people and you'll find yourself in a healthier state of mind. Be that happy person and people will gravitate towards you. Reevaluate your relationships and cut out the poisonous personalities. Have a particular frenemy that always makes you feel like shit? Say goodbye and good riddance! Guaranteed you'll feel a huge weight lifted when you're rid of that corrosive "friend".

Never Seek Approval From Others:

I like to follow my moral compass. I feel I've got a pretty solid grasp on right and wrong and I trust my instincts on everything. Looking to someone else to make a decision for you is opening yourself up to getting taken advantage of. Besides, letting others choose for you leads to you making excuses, grudges, self-deprivation, etc. Take ownership, take responsibility, take action. It feels good!

Take the Time to Listen:
I love this one. I have the unique opportunity to meet people from all walks of life (and usually more successful) every day. It's one of my favorite things about my job. And sometimes, my clients will open up to me about everything. And I get 60-90 minutes to pick their brains about their careers, successes, failures, advice, fitness, travel, relationships, politics, anything! I learn something useful from everyone and all it takes is a few open-ended questions. I could listen to them talk for hours because I find all of them so fascinating in their own way. 

Nurture Social Relationships:

I completely and utterly fail at this one. If it weren't for facebook I probably wouldn't even have lasting friendships. I mean, I love my people and I think about them all the time and always wonder what they're up to, but actually picking up a phone? Almost never. But, I could go years without hearing from someone and if they called me in the middle of the night because they got in a huge fight with their boyfriend/girlfriend and they don't have anywhere to go my answer will always be, "I'll be there in 20." I guess that's just the kind of friend I am. I never forget birthdays, but I won't remember to call just to say hello. So! Now that I've confessed my terrible friend flaw, feel free to call me and chat! I don't ignore phone calls. :)


Damn, 9 minutes past my new bedtime. Still working on that!



<3

The Habits of Happy People, Part Two.

I got inspired by this article about how happy people do what they do and I loved it so much I had to dissect it and turn it into a mini-blog series. I don't do all of these all of the time, but now that I'm aware of them I'm going to make a better effort to bring my A-game in the happy department.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff:

This one can be a little tough for me. My OCD tendencies get me all stressed out about trivial details in a project ("This bow just won't lay straight!!" and I'll re-tie the damned thing 4 or 5 times.) and I will generally ignore little irritations for the greater good. But every once in awhile they pile up and I flip out. Then I feel better for getting it off my chest and start over, letting the little things start a new pile. I don't think this behavior qualifies as 'healthy' so I'm going to have to file this one under "things to work on".

Speak Well of Others:

I can write about this one for days. In fact, I probably will at some point. I don't often join in on shit-talking someone else, unless they intentionally did me dirty. But I make it a point to only say about people what I wouldn't mind them overhearing. This line of code in my list of morals didn't come easy and I had to learn it the hard way, but I'm certainly glad I did. It doesn't seem to be something that comes easily to women.

Never Make Excuses:

Never. Just don't do it. You look like an asshole. Put your grown up pants on and take some responsibility. If it was an honest mistake, fess up and apologize. You'd be amazed how far a genuine, "I'm sorry" will get you. If it wasn't a mistake, well then you're just an asshole.

Get Absorbed Into the Present:

Yea, I don't think I do this? I don't dwell on the past much. It happened and I wouldn't change any of it. And I wouldn't say I worry about the future. I get excited about it. But I can't really think of what I do to savor the present. You could say I get absorbed in it, but a better word would be overwhelmed. I put so much on my plate I usually can't get to it all without stressing out about deadlines. Hmm...I'll have to work on this one, too.

Wake Up at the Same Time Every Morning:

Okay, I confess, my kid gets all the credit for this one. She wakes up at the same time every morning and comes and wakes me up. If I had it my way I'd get up at 9 every morning, but she wakes me up at 8:20. Last night I went to bed at 11:30pm and got up at 7:15am perfectly rested. I even got to hear her waking up and watch her trot into my room looking for me. She's so cute in the morning all sleepy-faced with bedhead and I don't want to miss out on that anymore. I think I'll set 11:30 as my new bedtime, as opposed to 2-4am like it's been for years. That's an easy enough goal to set to wield big changes, methinks.


Well, I guess 3 out of 5 isn't too bad. Identifying weaknesses is the best way to build strengths, right? I hope y'all are getting as much out of this as I am. If not, then that's your loss, sourpuss.



<3

The Habits of Happy People, Part One.

So, I wanted to share this  really cool article that I read about the things that happy people do differently. Most of the things I do already, or at least, I do them most of the time. This information has opened up a new door for me. I got some much needed validation, and now I have a strong tool to help my loved ones when they're feeling depressed and have no where to go. I love that the list brings attention to things I am already doing right, and offers other fixes that are easily adapted. I also love that it's a list and I love lists.

Don't Hold Grudges:

I've always been pretty good at this. I've always said that grudges take up way too much energy. And my energy is needed in much more important areas. Bonus: psycho women love it when you're still thinking about them and paying them no attention at all chaps their ass more than anything else in the world. Win-win!

Treat Everyone With Kindness:

Why wouldn't you? Rude people are ugly. 

See Problems As Challenges:

Another one that has always come easily to me, but is a definite hangup for a lot of people. Often times, someone in a depression sees a problem and shuts down. Personally, when a problem arises, I think on it and try to come up with at least three different solutions and choose the best of my options. I never leave 'ignore it' as an option. Example: A week ago I suspected that I was getting arthritis in my dominant hand. Arthritis is a career killing diagnosis. The options I came up with were, start taking glucosamine twice a day, apply for a change of position in my current field that eases the demand on my hands, and/or start taking steps toward a teaching career, or change careers entirely. I ruled out changing careers entirely. I love my job and I'm not ready to leave. The glucosamine worked, but I still plan on making a position change in a few months and have set a new goal to teach by next year.

Express Gratitude For What You Already Have:

I do this one without thinking so I almost forgot this should even be on the list, but it's definitely important. The list of things that I am grateful for is endless. Sometimes, I make a list of the reasons I'm grateful to have my boyfriend and I leave that out for him to find. :) 'Cuz y'know, those things you're grateful for need a little reminder that they're still appreciated.

Dream Big:

This is by far my absolute favorite on the list. I believe if you can get a handle on this one then all the others will fall into place. I just decide on some awesome thing that I want in life and then I start breaking it down into baby steps to figure out how I'm going to make this dream come true. Usually, all it takes is the planning process to make me blissfully happy and inspired. When I've got an extra spring in my step it's usually because I'm planning something amazing. And I don't keep my dreams to myself. I talk about them to anyone and everyone because that's half the fun. People just shake their head and smile at me now and think, "There she goes again, chasing another dream." Hell yea I am! It's freaking fun! Get with it, people!  And even if that dream never comes to fruition, I'm okay with that because I have 20 bigger and better ones behind it to keep me occupied. But being a dreamer means I have to be around people that understand and nurture that about me. Naysayers and negative people don't last long in my life. The occasional fool thinks the only way to break me is by stomping on my dreams, but ohhh no! This pony will not be tamed. Run with me or get out of my way!

Well, this subject is about to turn into a flippin' mini-series. Because I love being happy and I want the people that I love to be happy with me. Ya dig?

<3

The most irritating client EVER.

Half of the reason I wanted to start this blog was to rant about this woman. The most irritating client I've ever met in nine years of being a massage therapist. After reading about her, most of you will think, "Oh, that's not that bad. This one time I had a client that...." And I highly encourage you to comment about it so we can all gripe, groan and laugh about it together. 

I've been trying to think back if there was something going on that day to annoy me prior to meeting The Most Irritating Client Ever (let's call her 'MICE' for short, which is clever because she did have a weird, mousy quality to her. Better yet, we'll call her Mouse). We massage therapists are sensitive folk and any little blip can throw off our juju. I'm pretty sure I was in a good mood, though. I usually am when I get to work because I genuinely enjoy being there. I know, I'm crazy. Who loves going to work? This chick. 

So, Mouse shows up for her appointment 30 minutes early. Cool, nothing wrong with that. I show up to work 45 minutes early on most days so I can prep towels, sheets, cremes, etc. My clients are slightly spoiled in that they know I always have hot towels on-hand and they've come to expect it now. And I love my clients dearly, so an extra 45 minutes of unpaid work is worth it for them. <3 Anywho, I quicken my pace to get my room ready so I can take Mouse back a few minutes early since she's been waiting ever so patiently for me. She's a thin woman with thick-rimmed glasses and frizzy hair that cannot be contained in the large barrette she's used to try and wrangle all that mess in. She looks familiar, but I can't place her. Chart says I've never worked on her before.

I say my cheeriest hello and ask the usual, "Do you need to use the restroom before we get started?" Yes. Yes she does. Of course she does. Since she's only been to this establishment nothing short of 20 times before and should know the drill by now, right? So, I direct her to the restroom and show her where our room is and then inform her that I'll be waiting right here. Generally, people are out of the bathrooms in 2 minutes, especially regulars. They know that bathroom time cuts into their massage and standard courtesy encourages them to not leave me waiting forever. She is in the restroom for six minutes. Seriously? You had thirty minutes to take a shit before your massage, and instead you're going to do it on my time?

So, now I'm irritated. I don't let that get me down though. I've been in customer service for far too long to let a little thing like that ruffle my feathers. Who knows? She might be a really nice person, with interesting conversation, or a generous tipper. I try to make every massage my best one so people will know that I genuinely care. Sometimes when I feel like a session didn't go so well, I get surprised with a $20 tip. I like surprises. I continue on with Mouse in my usual bubbly manner and show her into my room. She looks around a couple times like she's lost. In fact, she's so confused that now I'm getting confused. Lady, you've been here before! What could be so new about this room that you haven't seen before in any other room? There's a massage table in the middle, a chair for clients' clothes in the corner, and a rolling stool for me in my corner. I've even placed my creme on that rolling stool to deter people from placing their belongings on my chair. Because it happens all too often and it drives me nuts. Eventually, this little mouse figures out this incredibly difficult maze that I've set before her and makes her away over to her side of the room. Her intake is standard, "FBM BNS med/light press." (Full Body Massage, Back/Neck/Shoulders, medium-light pressure). Cool. Now I'm slightly rushing because we're about 2 minutes behind schedule and I hate shorting people time even if it is their fault. Anything short of 50 minutes doesn't feel like enough time and working the math out in my head can throw me off, occasionally.

I ask Mouse what she does for a living, like I do all my new clients. She is so flabbergasted by the question that she can't put a sentence together. "Oh! I uh, um, I work, I do...I work at a computer." Ooookay, that wasn't the question, but I guess the answer helps me a little. Now I know that her rhomboids will be a mess, that explains her weird posture, and I'll definitely make some time to do some light stripping on her forearms. Computer people are so focused on how their shoulders hurt that they completely forget those limbs attached to the shoulders that are actually doing all the work at the keyboard. 

I'm not even three minutes into the massage when the moaning starts. Oh god. She's one of those people. Yea, you've all seen the Friends episode where Phoebe doesn't want to work on Monica because she moans and it's creepy. Don't get me wrong, the occasional moan is totally acceptable, especially if I've hit a trigger point or I'm doing deeper work on a really tight area. I get it. But some people just moan for the sake of hearing themselves moan. It's fucking creepy. "That feels great." I know it does, thank you, but I really don't need the encouragement. I finish with her back, re-drape her and am about to move on when she asks if I could do a little more on her lower back. Normally, such a request would be met with apologies, an "absolutely!" and a few more minutes in that area. But this chick has got me grating my teeth with all the freaking moaning, now I'm just suspicious that she's going to try and milk me for extra time. She gets one minute more.

The rest of the massage moves on painfully slow until I get to her neck. While I'm trying to work on her neck she's flopping her head from side to side as if she's oh-so-relaxed. I call bullshit. Sleeping people don't flop their heads around and relaxed people shouldn't either. Their heads should tilt with some gentle movement, but I lead the direction. At this point, I'm ready to break her neck. If there were a camera on me, I might look possessed with how hard I was rolling my eyes. I couldn't take it. I had to get out of that tiny cell with this aggravating woman. 

I fetched her water, walked her out so she wouldn't get fucking lost again, thanked her and wished her a happy weekend. After I cleaned up my room, I asked the front desk how much she tipped. The girl just frowned and shook her head. Nothing. Thaaaaaat did it. That's how she got bumped from being an honorable mention in my list of crappy clients to #1 Most Irritating Client I've Ever Had. Congratulations, now I hate you.

I'll blog later about my thoughts on tipping, stiffing, shaving your legs and other massage etiquette. (It's not as bad as you'd think, I promise.) But for now, I want to hear about everyone else's terrible clients. Dish! You know you've got one better/worse. :)

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All Happy Endings Start With A Beginning.

I read a lot of blogs. Almost obsessively, actually. I had casually mentioned that I should blog and a few people said, "Get on Twitter". Psh. 140 characters? No way. My brother got all the awesome one-liner genes. I'm much better at rants and tangents. I'm quite animated with my storytelling in person, so we'll see how well that converts to text. I've got a boat load of hobbies and interests so this blog is going to be all over the map. Apologies! I swear I don't have ADD. However, I cannot deny my quirky case of OCD.

I'm a massage therapist, mom, grammar Nazi, amateur cook/baker, tomboy trapped in a girly-girl's body and I have a teensy, tiny little holiday obsession. Not necessarily in that order. I'm a happy person (no, like really, I took a test and everything). I have a strong belief that a good sense of humor can get you through any situation. Even if I'm absolutely livid about something or someone, I like to at least present it in a way that will make someone else laugh. Eventually, I'm going to be laughing about it too. I'm super opinionated, I swear freely, and I generally say all the terrible crap that y'all were thinking anyway. Sooo...if you're easily offended then you've stumbled onto the wrong blog. Feel free to email me about your hurt feelings, and I'll send you a snarky little message back and might even feature you in a blog post in the near future. :) Cool!

But really, the general gist I'm going for with this blog is to amuse others, vent, cure some boredom, dish out a bit of advice with some brutally honest common sense, post some pictures here and there of some stuff I do, and do the totally unprofessional thing of giving you the inside peak into the not-always-glamorous life of a massage therapist. Here's a sneak preview: Mud rolls. Yea. Not cute.

Also, if you notice any heinous spelling or grammatical errors PLEASE email me! I freaking HATE THOSE THINGS! I will promptly KILL IT and then give you your well-deserved shout-out. I'm never too proud to get schooled by someone and I'm always looking to learn. And since we're best internet friends now, send me awesome big words (verbs and adjectives, please) to casually drop in my posts. 'Cuz that's the kind of nerdy shit that I think is fun!

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