What Your Massage Therapist is Really Thinking

Ever wonder what your massage therapist is thinking about you? Is she cringing at the sight of your feet? Is he appalled that you forgot to shave your legs? Do you smell? Is your hair in the way? Do you flip over now? Are you breathing right? Is it awkward if you don't make small talk the whole time? Does she think your acne is so gross she doesn't even want to touch you?

No. Relax. We aren't judging you. My general rule of thumb is, if you're worried about it, it's probably not a big deal and I didn't even notice. It's the people that don't care what their therapist thinks of them that tend to be stars in our horror stories. The following is a list of things that you might worry about, and what we actually think about them. Then I've included a list of massage therapist pet peeves that you may have no idea you've been doing.


Feet - They aren't that bad, trust me. Your feet can't be any worse than the ballet dancers that I work on and even their feet don't freak me out. In nine years I've come across one lady with horrendous feet and she was blissfully unaware. I still worked on her feet with only a second glance. Really not an issue. Besides, I usually have hot towels on hand to wipe off any flip flop funk you've picked up throughout the day anyway. I only get slightly irritated when someone tells me last minute that they don't want a foot massage and I have to figure out what to do with the extra 5 minutes when the massage is nearly over.

Shaved Legs - Non-issue. Women get embarrassed and apologize about this to me every day and I give the same response, "Oh, I don't mind at all. I work on men, too and they don't shave their legs." Except when I do run across a man that shaves his legs and/or all of his body hair without mentioning that he's a swimmer or cyclist. Awkward.

Body Odor/Perfume - This is one of the most complained about issues amongst massage therapists. When you're stuck in a tiny unventilated room, scents get magnified ten-fold. Your perfume may smell great outside but strikes just the right chord with our allergies when you get in the treatment room. Body odor will actually make me turn green. I will turn clients away for strong odor. I've put in my hours of gag-worthy clients and I won't do it anymore. Not only that, but the smell lingers for another hour or 2 and it ruins the relaxation for the next client. Always shower and wear deodorant, please!

Bathing - Never skimp on showering. You can't be too clean for a massage! There's also this interesting phenomenon that is a well-kept secret in the massage world: Mud rolls. Yeaaaa. It's not sexy. It's what happens when body oils, dirt, and dead skin combines with massage lotion. Remember when you were a kid playing with Play-Doh and you would roll it into a snake? It's like tiny brown "snakes" all over you, your therapist's hands, arms, the sheets, everywhere. It only happens with people that haven't showered in more than 2-3 days. And the longer you go without bathing, the worse the mud rolls will be.

Body Weight - We don't care if you're heavy, skinny, athletic, or out of shape. The muscle groups are the same on everyone and that's all we're concerned about. I've worked on people that society would deem 'overweight' and are really super athletic or flexible. I've had people that look to be skin and bones but are solid knots with no range of motion. We've seen it all and we do not have a preference.

Body Hair, Acne, Dry Skin, Etc. - These things never bothered me because there's nothing that a client can do about them. You are the way you are and I won't judge you for it. Some therapists do get bothered, however, so it might take a little searching to find someone that makes you feel comfortable and seems to feel comfortable with you as well.

Talking - Another topic that depends on the therapist. Some like to talk to everyone, some don't like to talk at all and others don't mind either way. It's important to be clear on what kind of therapist you're looking for before booking. Ask for a therapist that is "friendly and informative" if you like to talk during your massage. If you really don't like talking, please tell your therapist prior. We will not be offended! I use the 'speak when spoken to' rule with my clients, but I tend to be chattier the first time I meet someone so I can remember who they are if they come back.

Massage Therapist Pet Peeves:

-Undressing before your therapist has a chance to leave the room.

-"Helping" lift your limbs or head during the massage. Or holding your arms out stiff while we work on them. Your head doesn't weigh so much that I need help picking it up! And neither do your arms!

-Staring at your therapist while they're massaging you. It's super awkward and it freaks us out.

-Not tipping/crappy tips. I am not usually offended the first time someone doesn't tip because I like to give the client the benefit of the doubt that they didn't intentionally stiff me. But if you don't tip a second time or more, then I will cut your time. Tips make up for 40+% of our income and are an indicator as to how much you enjoyed our massage. We take it personally. We're sensitive people!

-Moaning. Excessive moaning is just flat out creepy. Yes, I know I'm good. No, I don't need the encouragement. 

-Being picky about our massage before we've even touched you. "I don't like fists, elbows, forearms, or palms. And I like long flowing strokes. I don't like to be massaged here, here, here, here, or here. I like my face massaged but with no oil on your hands, and don't touch my hair. Also, I'd like to spend the entire massage face down except for maybe the last 5 minutes. I don't like the face cradle though, so can you take that away?" The sad part is I didn't make any of this up. I've actually had this client before. Surprise, surprise she wasn't a good tipper. 

-Being super picky about towels. Towels are entirely therapist preference. If you've found a therapist that uses hot, dry towels and that's the only way you like them then stick with that therapist. Don't try to conform another therapist to your weird requests. It can be offensive, disrupt our flow and almost guarantee you aren't going to get the best massage that therapist is capable of.

-Telling us how to do our job.

-Asking for extra time.

-Touching yourself. I've adopted the Rule of Three here. Once to adjust yourself and I won't think otherwise. Twice will get a dirty look from me, but maybe you didn't get it right the first time. Three times and you're off my table. 

-Touching me. Some creepers think I don't notice when they casually stretch out their fingers to brush me when I walk by. Many male therapists I've known have been full-on grabbed at.

-Readjusting our draping. I didn't undrape your ass for a reason.

-Being consistently late. This bugs the hell out of some therapists. It makes no difference to me. 

-Taking forever to get out of the room. We're on a tight schedule and one client that lags in the room can make us late for the rest of the day.

-Flirting or sexually explicit conversation. It's beyond inappropriate and uncomfortable.

-Joking about happy endings. You meet someone for the first time or just find out that an acquaintance is a massage therapist and you say, "Har har, like the happy ending kind?" No, you fucking moron. It wasn't funny the first 837 times I heard that "joke" and it still isn't. I'm a PROFESSIONAL, not a hooker. I didn't spend 7 years paying off student loans to do some shit I already knew how to do. Comprende?

-Flat out asking for a happy ending. You'll be lucky if all I do is kick you off of my table, promptly.

*This list will most likely be expanded on as more come to me, and with your comments! A big thank you to my massage therapist fam for contributing. Love you guys!

<3

Waving the White Flag

Sometimes you've just gotta surrender. Not because you were wrong, necessarily, but because the ones you love are more important than your ego. So, you don't agree all the time, or someone's feelings got hurt, or blah blah blah. Whatever it may be. Just surrender for the greater good. It's much easier said than done, that's for sure. But it's definitely one of those things that gets easier with practise.

I had a rough week. Like a drank-two-extra-large-bottles-of-Footie-and-only-ate-Easter-candy kind of week. ('Footie' is the nickname for Barefoot wine that my sister came up with.) I got in a fight with my brother and sister-to-be about wedding stuff and it snowballed like crazy because none of us tards could pick up a freaking telephone. Damn technology. I was all like, "Wtf, Monster of the Bride!" and they were all like, "Wtf, Diva of Honor!" and we clashed. Much texting and facebook messaging was had. To the point where I'm sure both sides of the family were ready to take us out back and put the hose on us.

I'm ridiculously headstrong and just as stubborn. I'm not one for holding my tongue and I'm not an easy opponent in a battle of wits. And I'm flat-out lethal with a keyboard. Knowing this about myself I should never strike first blood in text with people I love. (Enemies deserve every large word I batter them with.) We waged war all week until we'd reached a stalemate. Family, friendships, nuptials be damned! My mom couldn't talk me down, even after she'd unleashed her strongest weapon on me (my aunt). No one else dared broach the subject with a 10 foot pole, much less disagree with me.

I woke up this morning after 3 days of no communication and read an article about what to do if someone is mad at you. It didn't help. I was mad first! They should come to me! I remained steadfast in my conviction that I was entitled to my hurt feelings. Then I had a conversation with an old friend of mine. It was brief, but effective. It went a little something like this:


Guy, "How are you?"

Me, "Not awesome. Been fighting with my brother, his fiance and her mother. So much so that I'm not going to the wedding." 

After minimal details of the argument my super intelligent guy friend does what he can to make me smile and says, 

"Some advice: Take the high road. Tell them you wish them well and you were just really hurt that you've put in so much work and had it snatched away."

Me, "Uggghhhh, I hate the high road!"

Gotta love dude logic, though. So simple, yet oddly effective.

So I chewed on it for a little bit. I was still super pissed, I read through all the messages again and didn't think I'd said anything out of spite, but it still gnawed at me. Hmmm... Well, if it bothered me enough to bitch about it to whoever would listen, then there must be something amiss. So, I got off my high horse and I took the high road instead. I thought long and hard about what I was really upset about and whom I was upset with. Then I sat down at my keyboard and thought, Well, I couldn't possibly cause anymore damage. So I wrote my last facebook message (with a personal promise to leave any serious conversations to be done via phone or in person) and it went a little something like this (I've renamed her 'Seester' for the sake of my blog. It's a baby-talk pet name that I've called her since finding out she'll actually be my sister one day):

Seester, everything I've told you over the last 2 years (2 years? Longer? I can't remember. It feels like forever) I meant, wholeheartedly. I love the person you are and I am thrilled that you're marrying my awkward, dorky, little brother. I don't hate you, and I doubt I ever could. My being upset was not some form of sabotage. I've always wanted what's best for you guys. I was just hurt because I was really invested in making this wedding super special and I felt that it got snatched away from me at the last minute after all this time. I was really angry with [Lil' Brunner] and [your Mom] and you got dragged in as collateral damage.

I really wish [Lil' Brunner] had been the one to call me. And blah blah, details.

Anyway, that's not the point. What I SHOULD have messaged you was how I was feeling, and that's all. Instead I listed examples to try and explain WHY I was upset and we got lost in the details. And with every message (especially [Lil' Brunner's]) I felt like I wasn't being heard and it just made me want to say it louder and more angry. I wish you would have answered my phone calls so you could hear that I was more hurt than angry and that it was never with YOU.

I still love you, even if we don't agree. We wouldn't be sisters if we didn't disagree sometimes and we'd also be the most boring friends ever. It was only a matter of time before we learned our limitations and it was not a very opportune moment, unfortunately. I hate that you got punished for something that wasn't your fault and I hate that I put you in the middle.

In hindsight, I don't see any way around what happened, only different ways it would have been prolonged. It could have been worse, though. It might have all come to a head the week of the wedding, or even the DAY of, which would have really ruined things. What's done is done. I'm still upset about all the same things, but I'm not with you. I understand if you aren't willing to forgive me, don't want to talk to me or see me ever again. But one day, my mother is going to make you crazy (she'll be your mother-in-law soon, it's inevitable) and I'll be there to back you, just like I said I would.

I love you Seester. I'm sorry I made you cry.

And then I sat and waited all day without a response. Torture. Then 6 hours later she responded saying she'd call me this evening. And we talked and cried and talked some more. Then my brother called me and he got the worst of it 'cuz he's a boy and it just takes him longer to understand girl-feelings. They'd said they'd planned on calling me anyway, even if I hadn't written Seester that message, but she was glad I did. I was glad I did. Even if we were all feeling really hurt, we knew that the love we have is more important than the wrongs that were had. In a year or 10 years from now it won't matter who waved the white flag first, just that it was and it wasn't our undoing.

See? I told y'all I hate grudges!


<3

The Habits of Happy People, Part Five.

Alright, here's the last post in my get happy mini-series. I've enjoyed putting my spin on these and getting them out into cyberspace. If you've missed out on the fun you can check out this article to catch up. A few of these points I've come up with on my own in my happy-quest.

Tell the Truth:

Life gets too complicated when you're trying to keep track of a bunch of lies. A few white lies here and there to spare someone's feelings is generally acceptable and doesn't take much memory space. If you're the director of a rumor tornado, that takes a lot of active plotting, tracking and attention. I don't have time for all that bullshit. I say what's on my mind, what needs to be said, honestly, and I don't sugarcoat. I don't have much tolerance for sugarcoaters either. It's like telling the truth wrapped in so much lie that you can't tell where it starts and stops. What's the good in that?

Establish Personal Control:

I've got a decent grip on this one. I've always been an individual and I don't live my life to gain the approval of others. This point is so closely tied in with the others that there's not much new I can say about it. Life's too short to live it someone else's way! Don't buy that car! You can't move across the country and start over there! You and him won't last longer than 3 months! You'll never be successful without a college degree!  Watch me. 

Accept What Cannot Be Changed:

*Shrug* Oh well. It is what it is.

My Own: Kick Addictions:
It's hard to be happy when you're chained to your addictions. Addictions are wrought with anxiety and keep you from focusing on what's important. You are less productive at work when all you're thinking about is your next break. It may be harder to find a partner because things like alcoholism, smoking, drugs, gambling, etc, are often deal-breakers. I've kicked a few things, with smoking being the most recent (11 months!). My boyfriend and I quit together and are so much happier now that we did. We went on an all day adventure to the zoo and on the way out I noticed a sign that said the entire zoo is a smoke-free zone. I pointed it out and said, "Could you imagine how shitty this day would have been if we still smoked?" He agreed wholeheartedly. Now if only I could kick this nasty sugar addiction. Working on it!


My Own: Have A Personal Mantra:
"Sometimes, when I'm feeling down about shit--" "Wait, you feel like that sometimes? I didn't think you had any sort of confidence issues!" "Well, yea. Sometimes, I won't feel as sexy or whatever and then I remember...I'm a bad bitch." I'm a bad bitch. I'm everything any housewife strives to be, AND I bring home the bacon. I may not be as bangin' as I was before childbirth, but I can still turn heads. I'm smart, down to earth, funny, and ambitious. My exes still love me, and refer to me as "the one that got away." My soul is O-; I'm good for everyone. So whenever I'm having a little hiccup in my confidence levels, I remind myself that I'm a bad bitch. It's my personal mantra. Everyone's mantra is different, but should all serve the same purpose. Be confident, be happy, be important to yourself! Everything will fall into place when you're right with yourself.


My total score out of 25 was 19. Maybe 20 if you add up the .5 scores. I'll just grade myself on a curve and give it a B. I'm nice to myself like that. :) What did you get? Is there anything you feel is worth adding to the list?



<3

The Habits of Happy People, Part Four.

Since I've now read this article about 7 times, it's given me a chance to think on other things that I do that make me a happier person and I thought they were worth adding to this list.

Meditate:

I don't do this in the traditional Yoda-use-the-force way. But when I'm giving a massage and there isn't any talking, I close my eyes and do the entire session by muscle memory. It's almost like I'm sleepwalking through the massage, by my energy is focused on the task. It's in this quiet state of mind that my best ideas come to me, so I've always called it my version of meditating. Even though my body is moving the whole time. I don't know if that counts?

Eat Well:
Yea, I'm working on this one. It's an ongoing struggle. (Just like with the next one.) I rarely eat fast food, but that doesn't stop my horrible sugar addiction which is the bane of my existence. Which is exacerbated by all the Easter basket candy we've got overfilling the house right now. Argh!

Exercise:

Another one that I'm working on. My motivation to exercise is a bit sporadic, which I am not happy about. This definitely needs work and time to form a solid habit. I've been good so far this month because I have an exercise plan and a challenge/competition with a friend of mine. I love some friendly competition!

Live Minimally:

Yea, no. I hate this one. Has anyone lived 'minimally' with a baby/toddler around? There's no way. Those little bundles of joy come with so much stuff! It's all I can do just to contain it in her room. As for the rest of my stuff, about 75% of it is passed down from my mom or grandmother and it holds a lot of sentimental value to me. I would never and could never give any of it up. I'm going to chalk this up to a total loss, and I will not "work on it."

My Own- Live Cleanly and Organized:
However, with all my "stuff" in a tiny apartment it's easy to get cluttered or disorganized. I've noticed that there is a direct correlation to the state of disarray of my living space and my stress levels. A clean and organized home calms me down. Much like exercising though, I only get motivated to keep my place in tip-top shape every once in awhile. It's a process. In fact, I think I'll check off a few things on my chore list now that I'm thinking about it. :)



<3

The Habits of Happy People, Part Three.

Here's part three of my happy quest, inspired some other cool person's blog here. These little tidbits are all about the people you surround yourself with and how to share the love. <3

Avoid Social Comparison:

This one is difficult for very insecure people. If you aren't confident in yourself then you'll look to others to see where you fall in. I don't worry about it much. I know that I'm not as good as some, but I'm better than most. That's pretty much where I rank myself when it comes to looks, work, finances, intelligence, everything really. Except relationships. If we're talking about what kind of girlfriend I am, that's a whole different bullet point. I'll get to that when I elaborate on my own addition to the list Personal Mantras.

Choose Friends Wisely:

Incredibly important. This is my second favorite next to Dream Big. Just as misery loves company, happiness is contagious. Surround yourself with happy people and you'll find yourself in a healthier state of mind. Be that happy person and people will gravitate towards you. Reevaluate your relationships and cut out the poisonous personalities. Have a particular frenemy that always makes you feel like shit? Say goodbye and good riddance! Guaranteed you'll feel a huge weight lifted when you're rid of that corrosive "friend".

Never Seek Approval From Others:

I like to follow my moral compass. I feel I've got a pretty solid grasp on right and wrong and I trust my instincts on everything. Looking to someone else to make a decision for you is opening yourself up to getting taken advantage of. Besides, letting others choose for you leads to you making excuses, grudges, self-deprivation, etc. Take ownership, take responsibility, take action. It feels good!

Take the Time to Listen:
I love this one. I have the unique opportunity to meet people from all walks of life (and usually more successful) every day. It's one of my favorite things about my job. And sometimes, my clients will open up to me about everything. And I get 60-90 minutes to pick their brains about their careers, successes, failures, advice, fitness, travel, relationships, politics, anything! I learn something useful from everyone and all it takes is a few open-ended questions. I could listen to them talk for hours because I find all of them so fascinating in their own way. 

Nurture Social Relationships:

I completely and utterly fail at this one. If it weren't for facebook I probably wouldn't even have lasting friendships. I mean, I love my people and I think about them all the time and always wonder what they're up to, but actually picking up a phone? Almost never. But, I could go years without hearing from someone and if they called me in the middle of the night because they got in a huge fight with their boyfriend/girlfriend and they don't have anywhere to go my answer will always be, "I'll be there in 20." I guess that's just the kind of friend I am. I never forget birthdays, but I won't remember to call just to say hello. So! Now that I've confessed my terrible friend flaw, feel free to call me and chat! I don't ignore phone calls. :)


Damn, 9 minutes past my new bedtime. Still working on that!



<3

The Habits of Happy People, Part Two.

I got inspired by this article about how happy people do what they do and I loved it so much I had to dissect it and turn it into a mini-blog series. I don't do all of these all of the time, but now that I'm aware of them I'm going to make a better effort to bring my A-game in the happy department.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff:

This one can be a little tough for me. My OCD tendencies get me all stressed out about trivial details in a project ("This bow just won't lay straight!!" and I'll re-tie the damned thing 4 or 5 times.) and I will generally ignore little irritations for the greater good. But every once in awhile they pile up and I flip out. Then I feel better for getting it off my chest and start over, letting the little things start a new pile. I don't think this behavior qualifies as 'healthy' so I'm going to have to file this one under "things to work on".

Speak Well of Others:

I can write about this one for days. In fact, I probably will at some point. I don't often join in on shit-talking someone else, unless they intentionally did me dirty. But I make it a point to only say about people what I wouldn't mind them overhearing. This line of code in my list of morals didn't come easy and I had to learn it the hard way, but I'm certainly glad I did. It doesn't seem to be something that comes easily to women.

Never Make Excuses:

Never. Just don't do it. You look like an asshole. Put your grown up pants on and take some responsibility. If it was an honest mistake, fess up and apologize. You'd be amazed how far a genuine, "I'm sorry" will get you. If it wasn't a mistake, well then you're just an asshole.

Get Absorbed Into the Present:

Yea, I don't think I do this? I don't dwell on the past much. It happened and I wouldn't change any of it. And I wouldn't say I worry about the future. I get excited about it. But I can't really think of what I do to savor the present. You could say I get absorbed in it, but a better word would be overwhelmed. I put so much on my plate I usually can't get to it all without stressing out about deadlines. Hmm...I'll have to work on this one, too.

Wake Up at the Same Time Every Morning:

Okay, I confess, my kid gets all the credit for this one. She wakes up at the same time every morning and comes and wakes me up. If I had it my way I'd get up at 9 every morning, but she wakes me up at 8:20. Last night I went to bed at 11:30pm and got up at 7:15am perfectly rested. I even got to hear her waking up and watch her trot into my room looking for me. She's so cute in the morning all sleepy-faced with bedhead and I don't want to miss out on that anymore. I think I'll set 11:30 as my new bedtime, as opposed to 2-4am like it's been for years. That's an easy enough goal to set to wield big changes, methinks.


Well, I guess 3 out of 5 isn't too bad. Identifying weaknesses is the best way to build strengths, right? I hope y'all are getting as much out of this as I am. If not, then that's your loss, sourpuss.



<3

The Habits of Happy People, Part One.

So, I wanted to share this  really cool article that I read about the things that happy people do differently. Most of the things I do already, or at least, I do them most of the time. This information has opened up a new door for me. I got some much needed validation, and now I have a strong tool to help my loved ones when they're feeling depressed and have no where to go. I love that the list brings attention to things I am already doing right, and offers other fixes that are easily adapted. I also love that it's a list and I love lists.

Don't Hold Grudges:

I've always been pretty good at this. I've always said that grudges take up way too much energy. And my energy is needed in much more important areas. Bonus: psycho women love it when you're still thinking about them and paying them no attention at all chaps their ass more than anything else in the world. Win-win!

Treat Everyone With Kindness:

Why wouldn't you? Rude people are ugly. 

See Problems As Challenges:

Another one that has always come easily to me, but is a definite hangup for a lot of people. Often times, someone in a depression sees a problem and shuts down. Personally, when a problem arises, I think on it and try to come up with at least three different solutions and choose the best of my options. I never leave 'ignore it' as an option. Example: A week ago I suspected that I was getting arthritis in my dominant hand. Arthritis is a career killing diagnosis. The options I came up with were, start taking glucosamine twice a day, apply for a change of position in my current field that eases the demand on my hands, and/or start taking steps toward a teaching career, or change careers entirely. I ruled out changing careers entirely. I love my job and I'm not ready to leave. The glucosamine worked, but I still plan on making a position change in a few months and have set a new goal to teach by next year.

Express Gratitude For What You Already Have:

I do this one without thinking so I almost forgot this should even be on the list, but it's definitely important. The list of things that I am grateful for is endless. Sometimes, I make a list of the reasons I'm grateful to have my boyfriend and I leave that out for him to find. :) 'Cuz y'know, those things you're grateful for need a little reminder that they're still appreciated.

Dream Big:

This is by far my absolute favorite on the list. I believe if you can get a handle on this one then all the others will fall into place. I just decide on some awesome thing that I want in life and then I start breaking it down into baby steps to figure out how I'm going to make this dream come true. Usually, all it takes is the planning process to make me blissfully happy and inspired. When I've got an extra spring in my step it's usually because I'm planning something amazing. And I don't keep my dreams to myself. I talk about them to anyone and everyone because that's half the fun. People just shake their head and smile at me now and think, "There she goes again, chasing another dream." Hell yea I am! It's freaking fun! Get with it, people!  And even if that dream never comes to fruition, I'm okay with that because I have 20 bigger and better ones behind it to keep me occupied. But being a dreamer means I have to be around people that understand and nurture that about me. Naysayers and negative people don't last long in my life. The occasional fool thinks the only way to break me is by stomping on my dreams, but ohhh no! This pony will not be tamed. Run with me or get out of my way!

Well, this subject is about to turn into a flippin' mini-series. Because I love being happy and I want the people that I love to be happy with me. Ya dig?

<3

The most irritating client EVER.

Half of the reason I wanted to start this blog was to rant about this woman. The most irritating client I've ever met in nine years of being a massage therapist. After reading about her, most of you will think, "Oh, that's not that bad. This one time I had a client that...." And I highly encourage you to comment about it so we can all gripe, groan and laugh about it together. 

I've been trying to think back if there was something going on that day to annoy me prior to meeting The Most Irritating Client Ever (let's call her 'MICE' for short, which is clever because she did have a weird, mousy quality to her. Better yet, we'll call her Mouse). We massage therapists are sensitive folk and any little blip can throw off our juju. I'm pretty sure I was in a good mood, though. I usually am when I get to work because I genuinely enjoy being there. I know, I'm crazy. Who loves going to work? This chick. 

So, Mouse shows up for her appointment 30 minutes early. Cool, nothing wrong with that. I show up to work 45 minutes early on most days so I can prep towels, sheets, cremes, etc. My clients are slightly spoiled in that they know I always have hot towels on-hand and they've come to expect it now. And I love my clients dearly, so an extra 45 minutes of unpaid work is worth it for them. <3 Anywho, I quicken my pace to get my room ready so I can take Mouse back a few minutes early since she's been waiting ever so patiently for me. She's a thin woman with thick-rimmed glasses and frizzy hair that cannot be contained in the large barrette she's used to try and wrangle all that mess in. She looks familiar, but I can't place her. Chart says I've never worked on her before.

I say my cheeriest hello and ask the usual, "Do you need to use the restroom before we get started?" Yes. Yes she does. Of course she does. Since she's only been to this establishment nothing short of 20 times before and should know the drill by now, right? So, I direct her to the restroom and show her where our room is and then inform her that I'll be waiting right here. Generally, people are out of the bathrooms in 2 minutes, especially regulars. They know that bathroom time cuts into their massage and standard courtesy encourages them to not leave me waiting forever. She is in the restroom for six minutes. Seriously? You had thirty minutes to take a shit before your massage, and instead you're going to do it on my time?

So, now I'm irritated. I don't let that get me down though. I've been in customer service for far too long to let a little thing like that ruffle my feathers. Who knows? She might be a really nice person, with interesting conversation, or a generous tipper. I try to make every massage my best one so people will know that I genuinely care. Sometimes when I feel like a session didn't go so well, I get surprised with a $20 tip. I like surprises. I continue on with Mouse in my usual bubbly manner and show her into my room. She looks around a couple times like she's lost. In fact, she's so confused that now I'm getting confused. Lady, you've been here before! What could be so new about this room that you haven't seen before in any other room? There's a massage table in the middle, a chair for clients' clothes in the corner, and a rolling stool for me in my corner. I've even placed my creme on that rolling stool to deter people from placing their belongings on my chair. Because it happens all too often and it drives me nuts. Eventually, this little mouse figures out this incredibly difficult maze that I've set before her and makes her away over to her side of the room. Her intake is standard, "FBM BNS med/light press." (Full Body Massage, Back/Neck/Shoulders, medium-light pressure). Cool. Now I'm slightly rushing because we're about 2 minutes behind schedule and I hate shorting people time even if it is their fault. Anything short of 50 minutes doesn't feel like enough time and working the math out in my head can throw me off, occasionally.

I ask Mouse what she does for a living, like I do all my new clients. She is so flabbergasted by the question that she can't put a sentence together. "Oh! I uh, um, I work, I do...I work at a computer." Ooookay, that wasn't the question, but I guess the answer helps me a little. Now I know that her rhomboids will be a mess, that explains her weird posture, and I'll definitely make some time to do some light stripping on her forearms. Computer people are so focused on how their shoulders hurt that they completely forget those limbs attached to the shoulders that are actually doing all the work at the keyboard. 

I'm not even three minutes into the massage when the moaning starts. Oh god. She's one of those people. Yea, you've all seen the Friends episode where Phoebe doesn't want to work on Monica because she moans and it's creepy. Don't get me wrong, the occasional moan is totally acceptable, especially if I've hit a trigger point or I'm doing deeper work on a really tight area. I get it. But some people just moan for the sake of hearing themselves moan. It's fucking creepy. "That feels great." I know it does, thank you, but I really don't need the encouragement. I finish with her back, re-drape her and am about to move on when she asks if I could do a little more on her lower back. Normally, such a request would be met with apologies, an "absolutely!" and a few more minutes in that area. But this chick has got me grating my teeth with all the freaking moaning, now I'm just suspicious that she's going to try and milk me for extra time. She gets one minute more.

The rest of the massage moves on painfully slow until I get to her neck. While I'm trying to work on her neck she's flopping her head from side to side as if she's oh-so-relaxed. I call bullshit. Sleeping people don't flop their heads around and relaxed people shouldn't either. Their heads should tilt with some gentle movement, but I lead the direction. At this point, I'm ready to break her neck. If there were a camera on me, I might look possessed with how hard I was rolling my eyes. I couldn't take it. I had to get out of that tiny cell with this aggravating woman. 

I fetched her water, walked her out so she wouldn't get fucking lost again, thanked her and wished her a happy weekend. After I cleaned up my room, I asked the front desk how much she tipped. The girl just frowned and shook her head. Nothing. Thaaaaaat did it. That's how she got bumped from being an honorable mention in my list of crappy clients to #1 Most Irritating Client I've Ever Had. Congratulations, now I hate you.

I'll blog later about my thoughts on tipping, stiffing, shaving your legs and other massage etiquette. (It's not as bad as you'd think, I promise.) But for now, I want to hear about everyone else's terrible clients. Dish! You know you've got one better/worse. :)

<3

All Happy Endings Start With A Beginning.

I read a lot of blogs. Almost obsessively, actually. I had casually mentioned that I should blog and a few people said, "Get on Twitter". Psh. 140 characters? No way. My brother got all the awesome one-liner genes. I'm much better at rants and tangents. I'm quite animated with my storytelling in person, so we'll see how well that converts to text. I've got a boat load of hobbies and interests so this blog is going to be all over the map. Apologies! I swear I don't have ADD. However, I cannot deny my quirky case of OCD.

I'm a massage therapist, mom, grammar Nazi, amateur cook/baker, tomboy trapped in a girly-girl's body and I have a teensy, tiny little holiday obsession. Not necessarily in that order. I'm a happy person (no, like really, I took a test and everything). I have a strong belief that a good sense of humor can get you through any situation. Even if I'm absolutely livid about something or someone, I like to at least present it in a way that will make someone else laugh. Eventually, I'm going to be laughing about it too. I'm super opinionated, I swear freely, and I generally say all the terrible crap that y'all were thinking anyway. Sooo...if you're easily offended then you've stumbled onto the wrong blog. Feel free to email me about your hurt feelings, and I'll send you a snarky little message back and might even feature you in a blog post in the near future. :) Cool!

But really, the general gist I'm going for with this blog is to amuse others, vent, cure some boredom, dish out a bit of advice with some brutally honest common sense, post some pictures here and there of some stuff I do, and do the totally unprofessional thing of giving you the inside peak into the not-always-glamorous life of a massage therapist. Here's a sneak preview: Mud rolls. Yea. Not cute.

Also, if you notice any heinous spelling or grammatical errors PLEASE email me! I freaking HATE THOSE THINGS! I will promptly KILL IT and then give you your well-deserved shout-out. I'm never too proud to get schooled by someone and I'm always looking to learn. And since we're best internet friends now, send me awesome big words (verbs and adjectives, please) to casually drop in my posts. 'Cuz that's the kind of nerdy shit that I think is fun!

<3