Too Long, Didn't Read: Natalie's Still A Child.

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Truce.

Show me that you have a heart and I'll show you mine. Show me that you're smarter than the rest and I will not snub your mistakes. Show me that you have a conscience and I will put my fangs away. Do something bigger than yourself. I won't demand that you publicly apologize, because I don't care. It's not the apology that's important to me. It wasn't even the lies I had a problem with. It's the example you're setting.

My mission was not to publicly ridicule you. Only you would care enough to seek out what I had to say, and I knew that. You left me no other avenue. I debated for months whether or not I would show you my blog. Writing is my outlet, and I left pieces of my soul in these texts that I wasn't ready for you to see. I'm not all viciousness all the time.

I love him. I hope you'll never have to crumple to the bathroom floor with the man you love and hold him while he sobs for his children. I will never stop fighting for him or fathers like him, but I hope that I won't have to fight you forever.

Live your life and be proud of your choices. You don't need to tell everyone about it. They'll see it themselves. If they don't notice, then they don't care enough about you anyway, so fuck 'em. Rid yourself of toxic people. If you can't, then don't feed into them. Look at their lives and ask yourself if you want to be where they are. Some things you've posted have been true; you will never succeed if you're holding onto resentments, guilt and negativity. I hope you can understand that's why he didn't fight with you. He doesn't want to get dragged into all that shit his whole life, or he'll never succeed. He has come so far in such a short time. I'm not trying to brag. You would be proud of him too, if you were in my shoes.

Take yourself off my list of targets. Don't be that girl. Don't be my bad example. Stop keeping score. Do the right thing and I will sing your praises.

This is your olive branch. You only get one. Do not squander an opportunity to change your life. 

I will remove any direct shots at you from my blog and wherever else, as I find them. Do not nitpick me. Some things that you've taken offense to were never directed at you in the first place. Trust that if it's vague, it's probably not about you. This is my promise and I don't break them. I am nothing else, if not honest. 

Natalie Talks to Herself

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Parental Alienation and Personality Disorders

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The 'Don't Date This Chick' Manual

I have a lot of guy friends. Every one of them is your typical "nice guy". Sweet as pie, affectionate, generous, caring, sensitive, romantic, funny, a little nerdy, great listeners, and oblivious as fuck when it comes to women. They come to me to decode their wives', girlfriends', love interests' erratic behavior because they know I can break it down in dude language. But they come to me when they're already in the trenches, losing the battle with their she-demons and there's no hope that surrendering will end with mercy. My favorite nice guys make easy prey for some pretty wretched women. Advice columns, blogs, friends, whatever, will rattle off some dating red flags but they're always things that happen once you're already dating. Fuck that. You're already in the shit by then! Hell, you've only been seeing her for a week, she's moved in and you don't know it yet but a month from now she'll be waving a positive pregnancy test in your face and calling you 'hubby'. So, in an effort to cut down on the tears I wipe off my shoulder I'm writing a manual for my beloveds so they can spot a predatory, parasitic female before they even lay her down. Print it, stick it in your wallets, don't forget it. It might just save your life.

 I can smell the hate mail of rabid bitches already.

Do Not Date Her If She-

1.) Takes pictures of herself constantly. 
If she posts more than three selfies a week (I'm being generous here), her theme song is "#Selfie" or she's ever posted the "I'm in the ER with my sick child" selfie, I'm calling it. Narcissist. I don't care if she's pretty. Don't have sex with her. She will stalk the shit out of you if you ever have the nerve to try and break it off with her after she's cheated on you.

2.) Can't drive.
You can tell everything about a person after being stuck in traffic with them for an hour. A little road rage isn't bad; that just means she's paying attention. But a chick that cuts people off and doesn't use her blinker? That's just rude. Also, she's arrogant enough to think people should just know what she wants and give it to her. She'll expect you to be clairvoyant,too. Enjoy those retarded arguments often if you pursue a future with her.

3.) Only orders a salad for dinner. 
That bitch is as fake as her orgasms.

4.) Doesn't offer to pay for her share on a date. 
She'll be expecting you to pay her share of the rent in the not-so-distant future as well. This one, I'll admit, is up for debate. Some girls think it's common practice to let guys pick up the tab. Many guys think it's chivalrous to do so. I'm not saying make her pay her part of the check, but at least test her. A girl who understands the value of hard-earned cash and respects yours will insist on contributing something.

4.) Doesn't have her own money.
If she doesn't have a job and that doesn't absolutely stress her out, then you've got a full-fledged leech on your hands. Don't date her. She's a bad investment.

5.) Is a bitch to strangers.
Is she bitchy? Standing up for herself is not bitchy. Being shitty to a waitress for forgetting the dressing for that stupid fucking salad she ordered is. Dump that bitch. If she's that rude with strangers, imagine how abusive she is to the people she knows.

6.) Is really into older dudes. 
If some young little thing is jocking you hard with a Cheshire cat smile, it's not you. It's her. She's got daddy issues and/or she just wants to be taken care of. Life with her will consist of tantrums, pouting, shoe fetishes, high expectations on "how a man should treat a woman" with little to none in return. However, if you've met the coolest chick, she's 10 years younger than you and she doesn't display any of the traits on this list then have at it! Take her out and love her like age is just a number.

7.) Talks shit about her ex.
If she isn't mature enough to recognize that she had a hand in the break down of her past relationship(s), if she isn't grateful for the time spent or the lessons learned, or she's just flat out still hung up on him, then move along. You know who stays angry over a breakup? Psychopaths. Psychopaths can't stand it when they lose control and will continue to obsess over their exes. She'll tell extravagant sob stories of abuse to get you on  her "team" against her big, bad, horrible ex in an attempt to bond with you. She'll weave her net with lies and pity to suck you in, wrap you up in her drama, pull you in tight, until it's too late and then she'll eat your soul like the succubus that she is. You know who isn't very forthcoming with tales of abuse? ACTUAL VICTIMS. Remember this, gentlemen.

8.) Talks shit about her dad.
There is something deep, dark and really fucked up about women that hate their dads. It manifests in all kinds of ways and none of them are pretty. Abandonment issues (overly-clingy), sense of entitlement (they've been taught that fathers are just walking ATM's), brutally low self-esteem, the list goes on and on. For the love of God, DO NOT have sex with a girl that hates her father. At best, she'll tear you down with emasculation. At worst, she'll bear your children and rob you of them because she doesn't think fathers are necessary. No amount of child support will ever be good enough for her.

9.) Is nineteen.
Seriously, just don't. It's too much to get into, but 19 year old's are fucking nuts. Don't bother. Also, any 18-22 year old that tells you, "I'm really mature for my age" isn't.

10.) Has a job but mentions money trouble anyway.
Yet she showed up to your date with her hair perfectly salon highlighted, nails manicured, and she name drops a designer when you compliment her shoes. Get the fuck outta here, gold digger.

11.) Can't spell.
Unless English is her second language, poor grammar should not be overlooked. At a minimum we all grew up learning the same shit in the same crappy public school system. I turned out alright and never once competed in a spelling bee. The occasional typo or slip up is forgivable. But consistently spelling the word "asides" when she means "besides" is a problem. If she can't spell then there are only two reasons: she's stupid or lazy. If you're a dude reading this blog right now then I can assure you, she's not the one for you.

12.) Doesn't laugh at your jokes.
You don't need that kind of negativity in your life. And she needs that stick removed from her ass. You're hilarious and you know it. You deserve to be with someone that thinks so, too. Even more so, you deserve someone that can make you laugh because a good sense of humor is really the only thing that will get us through this life.

Moral of the story? Date a kick ass chick like me. But one that doesn't cuss so fucking much. That shit's trashy.

Raising a Canine Teenager

***Disclaimer: Anyone with any fucked up media-induced backward ass stigma against pit bulls can check out right now. This post is about pit bulls, the people that love them, the people that know them, and written by a proponent for all bully breeds.***

With an almost 5 year old daughter I thought I was in the clear for a few more years before I had to deal with the craziness of having a teenager in the house. The Universe snickered at me when I went surfing the internet and saw a picture of the most handsome boy I've ever seen. It was love at first sight, I can't lie. His name is Bruno. He wasn't even up for adoption but I HAD to have him. We looked around at various rescue sites in numerous states and were even introduced to other dogs, but it didn't matter. The position was already taken in my heart. I was patient and love prevailed! Bruno's previous owner decided he couldn't care for him and opted to give him up.

Bruno is an 18 month old blue-nose pit bull. He is a full-on teenager dog and he is a handful! Aside from being a bull-headed teenager (har har, puns), Bruno didn't exactly have the upbringing ideal for a pit bull. The guy that owned him had him chained up to a tire in the backyard for most of his short life. Bruno arrived to his foster parents' house not even knowing his basic commands. (His foster parents are amazing people and former clients of mine. Like them on Facebook and watch their mange rescue puppy Peanut grow!)  There are many things that Bruno has never encountered or experienced. He looks like an adult but he still sees the world like it's brand new. He'd never walked up a flight of stairs before and our older dog Morgan had to show him the ropes. He'd never been swimming or even played in a pool. He still has so much to see and learn.

Bruno is almost completely unsocialized. He will get along with dogs his size, but is food aggressive. Any animal smaller than him (including bugs, birds and the stuffed variety) send him into predator-mode. I'm thinking this is a result of him being a backyard dog during a critical time in his development stage. He probably got ahold of a squirrel or cat and now thinks that is the most fun he'll ever have in his life. It's going to be a long, hard road trying to break him of this but I can't really blame him either. Bruno was practically feral up until a few months ago. But he is not a lost cause. He is very  intelligent, eager to please, affectionate, submissive, goofy and will do every trick he knows for a piece of ice.

And let's just get this out of the way: No, he is not aggressive because he is a pit bull. He was made this way, not bred this way. Stereotyping any particular breed of dog is just as moronic as stereotyping a particular race of people. Not all white people are serial killers, not all black people are gangbangers, not all Muslims are terrorists and not all Jewish people are accountants. Yes, there will always be some that perpetuate the stereotype but those are usually a very small percentage. Yes, there will always be reports of a pit bull biting someone. But guess what? Dogs bite. There isn't a single breed of dog with a perfect record. Sorry!

When we got him, Bruno would only sit on command about half the time. (Whenever he felt it convenient, really. He's a brat.) Now, Bruno is consistent with Sit, Down, Shake, Rollover, Come (when in the fenced backyard off-leash. There's no stopping him if he gets out into the front yard. Way too much trouble and cool stuff out there for him to listen to anyone), Kennel, Drop It, Stay, Wait, and Out! (we set up boundaries in the house. He is not allowed in the kitchen unless passing through to the backyard and he is not allowed upstairs. We didn't bother with baby gates.) Accidents in the house have been almost non-existent in the past few weeks. Pulling on the leash is still an issue, but either he's not pulling as hard or my traps have just gotten used to the exercise. My arms and back were sore those first few weeks with him! I've found that he makes an excellent jogging partner, however. If I pick up the pace, he'll trot right beside me without pulling. I just have to get my ass in shape to keep up with him! He is also very responsive to my 'no' noise. Ahhhht! I figured it was pointless to tell a dog "No" all the time when his name is Bru-no. He will immediately stop what he was doing anytime he hears the sound. The munchkin can imitate the noise perfectly. It's adorable to watch her discipline him and give him commands. She's quite the little Dog Whisperer. 

Raising a teenaged pitty has definitely proved challenging. There have been a few days that he has tested me past my limits and would be kenneled for the remainder of the night. We'd reached our training limits for the day and needed a break before starting over fresh the next morning. His time outs have gotten less frequent now that he's settling in and learning the ropes. He still gets grounded for his run away attempts. But we've gotten better at avoiding them!

I'll try to update regularly with Bruno's progress, pictures, and adventures. He really is a big goof and he keeps us laughing as often as he drives us crazy!

Public Facebooking

Nothing irks me more than when I see a hardcore rant status on facebook.

"Wtf, my boyfriend's mom is such a bitch. I can't believe she just asked me to, like, do her a favor or some shit. I'm not your kid, bitch! Who do you think you are??"  Like - Comment - Share - 11 minutes ago via mobile (and a cute little globe next to it.) 

Yea, I'd Like to shake you. Or perhaps Comment on your lack of tact. But maybe I'll just Share a little common sense in your honor, instead. Chances are your boyfriend's mom has a facebook and she's going to see that eventually. Or your boyfriend's friend's sister's next door neighbor's dog walker. Somehow, someway, your juvenile rant is going to make it back to the object of your acrimony. Keep your skeletons where they belong, woman!

You know who else will see these detestable posts? Your future employer. If you think all they're running is your background check, think again. Many employers are going to search for your facebook profile first to get an idea of your personality and lifestyle. Everyone is all sugar and smiles during an interview, but show their true colors when they think they're "safe" amongst friends. If I were an employer I certainly wouldn't hire the girl that publicly bashes people on facebook or posts every nightclub picture with a drink in her hand. You know what that tells me? DRAMA. And a lot of "sick" days.

Also, if you post public pictures, make sure you're the only ones in them. Your friends might not appreciate you handing over their face to Google Image Search.

Another no-no is publicly posting your check-ins. While you're making wonderful memories road tripping four states away, your ex is having a grand ol' time ransacking your apartment. P.S. he left the window open. Also, your cat ran away.

Occasionally, it is acceptable or understandable to broaden your viewership beyond your circle of compadres. Do so sparingly! Remember we're trying to retain some poise here. Cases in which it is admissible to post publicly:

• Pictures where you look pretty damn good, and happy. No, not duckface. 
• You are sharing something informative.
• You want to announce something amazing that you are thrilled about. ("We're finally PREGNANT!")
• You are singing someone else's praises.
• You are reviewing a business you recommend.
• You're posting pictures and jubilee comments because you know your man's psycho ex-girlfriend stalks you from a fake profile and you want to piss her off. (This one falls under the "understandable" category. Not saying it's right, but it is pretty funny when done tastefully.)

Don't be an arrogant tool that doesn't care what others might think. If you really feel the need to vent to the internet then create a blog with a questionable name, under an alias and share the posts to a restricted audience. ;)  Notice the little wagon wheel under the post that more than likely brought you here? It means I think you're awesome.

<3