The 'Don't Date This Chick' Manual

I have a lot of guy friends. Every one of them is your typical "nice guy". Sweet as pie, affectionate, generous, caring, sensitive, romantic, funny, a little nerdy, great listeners, and oblivious as fuck when it comes to women. They come to me to decode their wives', girlfriends', love interests' erratic behavior because they know I can break it down in dude language. But they come to me when they're already in the trenches, losing the battle with their she-demons and there's no hope that surrendering will end with mercy. My favorite nice guys make easy prey for some pretty wretched women. Advice columns, blogs, friends, whatever, will rattle off some dating red flags but they're always things that happen once you're already dating. Fuck that. You're already in the shit by then! Hell, you've only been seeing her for a week, she's moved in and you don't know it yet but a month from now she'll be waving a positive pregnancy test in your face and calling you 'hubby'. So, in an effort to cut down on the tears I wipe off my shoulder I'm writing a manual for my beloveds so they can spot a predatory, parasitic female before they even lay her down. Print it, stick it in your wallets, don't forget it. It might just save your life.

 I can smell the hate mail of rabid bitches already.

Do Not Date Her If She-

1.) Takes pictures of herself constantly. 
If she posts more than three selfies a week (I'm being generous here), her theme song is "#Selfie" or she's ever posted the "I'm in the ER with my sick child" selfie, I'm calling it. Narcissist. I don't care if she's pretty. Don't have sex with her. She will stalk the shit out of you if you ever have the nerve to try and break it off with her after she's cheated on you.

2.) Can't drive.
You can tell everything about a person after being stuck in traffic with them for an hour. A little road rage isn't bad; that just means she's paying attention. But a chick that cuts people off and doesn't use her blinker? That's just rude. Also, she's arrogant enough to think people should just know what she wants and give it to her. She'll expect you to be clairvoyant,too. Enjoy those retarded arguments often if you pursue a future with her.

3.) Only orders a salad for dinner. 
That bitch is as fake as her orgasms.

4.) Doesn't offer to pay for her share on a date. 
She'll be expecting you to pay her share of the rent in the not-so-distant future as well. This one, I'll admit, is up for debate. Some girls think it's common practice to let guys pick up the tab. Many guys think it's chivalrous to do so. I'm not saying make her pay her part of the check, but at least test her. A girl who understands the value of hard-earned cash and respects yours will insist on contributing something.

4.) Doesn't have her own money.
If she doesn't have a job and that doesn't absolutely stress her out, then you've got a full-fledged leech on your hands. Don't date her. She's a bad investment.

5.) Is a bitch to strangers.
Is she bitchy? Standing up for herself is not bitchy. Being shitty to a waitress for forgetting the dressing for that stupid fucking salad she ordered is. Dump that bitch. If she's that rude with strangers, imagine how abusive she is to the people she knows.

6.) Is really into older dudes. 
If some young little thing is jocking you hard with a Cheshire cat smile, it's not you. It's her. She's got daddy issues and/or she just wants to be taken care of. Life with her will consist of tantrums, pouting, shoe fetishes, high expectations on "how a man should treat a woman" with little to none in return. However, if you've met the coolest chick, she's 10 years younger than you and she doesn't display any of the traits on this list then have at it! Take her out and love her like age is just a number.

7.) Talks shit about her ex.
If she isn't mature enough to recognize that she had a hand in the break down of her past relationship(s), if she isn't grateful for the time spent or the lessons learned, or she's just flat out still hung up on him, then move along. You know who stays angry over a breakup? Psychopaths. Psychopaths can't stand it when they lose control and will continue to obsess over their exes. She'll tell extravagant sob stories of abuse to get you on  her "team" against her big, bad, horrible ex in an attempt to bond with you. She'll weave her net with lies and pity to suck you in, wrap you up in her drama, pull you in tight, until it's too late and then she'll eat your soul like the succubus that she is. You know who isn't very forthcoming with tales of abuse? ACTUAL VICTIMS. Remember this, gentlemen.

8.) Talks shit about her dad.
There is something deep, dark and really fucked up about women that hate their dads. It manifests in all kinds of ways and none of them are pretty. Abandonment issues (overly-clingy), sense of entitlement (they've been taught that fathers are just walking ATM's), brutally low self-esteem, the list goes on and on. For the love of God, DO NOT have sex with a girl that hates her father. At best, she'll tear you down with emasculation. At worst, she'll bear your children and rob you of them because she doesn't think fathers are necessary. No amount of child support will ever be good enough for her.

9.) Is nineteen.
Seriously, just don't. It's too much to get into, but 19 year old's are fucking nuts. Don't bother. Also, any 18-22 year old that tells you, "I'm really mature for my age" isn't.

10.) Has a job but mentions money trouble anyway.
Yet she showed up to your date with her hair perfectly salon highlighted, nails manicured, and she name drops a designer when you compliment her shoes. Get the fuck outta here, gold digger.

11.) Can't spell.
Unless English is her second language, poor grammar should not be overlooked. At a minimum we all grew up learning the same shit in the same crappy public school system. I turned out alright and never once competed in a spelling bee. The occasional typo or slip up is forgivable. But consistently spelling the word "asides" when she means "besides" is a problem. If she can't spell then there are only two reasons: she's stupid or lazy. If you're a dude reading this blog right now then I can assure you, she's not the one for you.

12.) Doesn't laugh at your jokes.
You don't need that kind of negativity in your life. And she needs that stick removed from her ass. You're hilarious and you know it. You deserve to be with someone that thinks so, too. Even more so, you deserve someone that can make you laugh because a good sense of humor is really the only thing that will get us through this life.

Moral of the story? Date a kick ass chick like me. But one that doesn't cuss so fucking much. That shit's trashy.